32 Weeks Tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be 32 weeks pregnant with my little guy.  I’m in that stage of being confused by whether I want time to speed up or slow down.  My body wants to be done, but my mind is all like “you want to have two kids to take care of right now? Huh? HUH?!”  The majority of the time, my mind is still winning and my body is staying silent… ish.

So far we’ve got most of his room done.  I find myself wanting to mimic our daughters room in a way.  I don’t want him to have more things than her, or less things than her.  I want them to both feel that their spaces are happy and have had a lot of love put into them.  I made my daughter most of her decorations.  I painted three animal paintings, painted letters spelling out her first name for her wall, and painted a three picture frame to hang her ultrasound pictures on the wall.  So far, for our little guy, I’ve got one animal picture painting done and his name craft done, which we have to hide until he’s born because it’s a secret. Shhhhhh….  Anyway, I’m getting closer, but my body is revolting in my free time and making me sleep instead of craft.  Maybe I’ll have all his crafts done by the time he starts kindergarten!

I’m still freaking out a little.  Especially since my daughter is currently fighting naps.  *sob sob sob*  She’s 2.5, and not taking it well at all.  She still needs naps, but for some reason she just isn’t most days.  I feel like she knows something is about the change.  Something big….. (and not just my belly, which is huge).  I’m just hoping she goes back to napping more frequently so that I can nap more frequently too!  I’d pay her money, but she doesn’t understand bribes yet.  Too bad too… I’d definitely pay $50 for a nap.  She doesn’t know what she’s missing!

My Little Man

Well, everyone, I’m not sure why it’s taken me this long to post about this, I could probably come up with a few good excuses, and a couple bad ones, but instead I’ll just say that it took me too long and I apologize.  I am pregnant.

That’s right!  For anyone who’s been with me since the beginning of this blog, you know that we struggled for three years to conceive our daughter.  We tried naturally, we tried Clomid, then we went to a Reproductive Endocrinologist and finally got a diagnosis of PCOS for me, and some wonky (not the medical term) sperm from my husband.  After that we tried four medicated rounds of IUI, with only three being viable for the actual insemination part, and after a chemical pregnancy with the first IUI try, and two failed IUI’s after that, we took nine months off, regrouped physically and mentally, and then went back for IVF.  FINALLY, we had success!  Little E was conceived, carried, and born in June of 2013.  Phew… long ride… but we had made it.  Now, with a little lady on my hands, I wondered at the prospect of more.  Was I willing to go through fertility treatments again? I mean, after all, my husband and I were still considered infertile so it would take more medication, more money, more time, to conceive again, and I just wasn’t ready.  My heart wasn’t in it.  I was content, happy, finding my new balance in life with E.  *heartfelt sigh* But then…..

So, remember this post I wrote on July 13th of last year?  It was all about how I wasn’t sure a second kid was for me.  Well, three days later I took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant.  Go figure!  To say I was shocked is putting it very, very mildly.  In fact, it was until recently that I think I actually kind of accepted what was happening, and I’m already 31 weeks along.  I am now elated, but at first I was scared and upset.  I didn’t know if this was something I wanted, or could even handle.  I’m still not sure I can handle it, but I know it’s something I want now.  HE is something I want.

That’s right, I have a little man on the way!

I’m hoping to post one day about how this is a wonderful thing for people who have suffered through infertility and can now have hope of a natural second, but I feel like I would need more than two minutes, and sadly, that’s all the time I have left this morning.

Until next time, lovelies!

-E

Thank You, Robert G. Edwards.

I am ashamed to admit that I had not heard of the passing of Robert G. Edwards this past April.  Not that I would have recognized the name, which shames me all over again, but the story would have caught my attention.  He is one of the two men who “discovered” IVF.  One of the men who is the reason that I am a mother.  The reason my world is filled with joy, and love, and laughter.  The reason I am overwhelmed with emotion at every moment of the day.  And he passed, and I did not know.  I was unable to take a minute to say a thank you to the universe for providing a man who had a vision.  A vision for being able to help infertile couples around the world.  A man who refused to give up after many, many failures.  Years of failures.  I can account to years of failure too!  His motivation to keep going, just so he could help others have babies.  It is amazing.  He deserved the noble prize, and I am happy that he got it before he passed.  If I had a noble prize, I would have handed him mine.  I would have loved to give him a hug.

If you’d like to read a little about his life, please read this.  And if you have had success, or even if you haven’t and you are relying on IVF to give you a family, please send a big thank you and a big hug into the universe for him and his partner Patrick Steptoe (who passed in 1988).  Their work was not always appreciated as it should have been, but I owe them so much for my beautiful baby girl.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

The Birth Control Choice Is In….

…and it’s…. condoms!  Whoa!  No one was expecting that, were they?

It was a strange decision that had a lot to do with my not wanting to take the chance of the progesterone only pill drying up my milk.  This is a thing.  Just Google it and you will be shocked by how many women have had this problem.  It’s just not worth the chance.  It may be a 1 in 1 million chance, but that is enough of a chance for me.  With breastfeeding, PCOS, DOR, the likely possibility that I have primary ovarian inefficiency which will lead to menopause within the next 2-3 years, AND condoms…. I think our chances of conceiving accidentally would be pretty low, if not non-existent.

Right now I am really terrified that I have a cyst on my left ovary.  I’ve been feeling twinges ever since giving birth, but I assumed this probably had something to do with GIVING BIRTH, but it’s been worse and worse over the past two days.  I remember them mentioning a small cyst on my ovary during one of my pregnancy ultrasounds (most likely a leftover follicle from the IVF), but geez, you’d think pregnancy hormones would have kicked that thing out of there?  Dried it up? Something…  Guess I did not get that lucky.  I just really hope I do not have to deal with a rupturing cyst.  This is like a period multiplied by 1,000.  It’s not quite on the level of epidural-less birth, but it is still pretty horrific.  I am usually hunched over the toilet throwing up, screaming, and sobbing.  Not sure how I’d breastfeed through something like that?  Let’s just send out some vibes that will kill this (likely) cyst!

 

Oh, and in happy baby fertility news… I have a friend who, after two years, 3 IUI’s, a fresh IVF, a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage), and an FET, was FINALLY successful and is now about 12 weeks pregnant!  The FET was successful!  I am very excited for her.  It gives me hope for all of you who are out there still trying.  I know it’s hard and you want to give up, but please don’t.  I’m not saying it has to be fertility treatments, it can be adoption.  Just any way to have a child.  If you want a child, please continue fighting for one!  And if there is anything I can help you with (although I’m certainly not a professional) please let me know!  I am here to answer questions!

A Quick Update

Daddy is currently “playing” (holding baby girl while she sleeps) with the baby, so I thought I’d hop on and let you all know that we are all doing great!  The no sleep thing is kind of nuts, to be honest, but I just can’t seem to mind when I know that it’s for my little girl.  Especially the hour or so a night where she just looks at me.  No squirming, no eating, no noises…. she’s just looking at me.  That is when we have our deepest conversations. 🙂

She hates the bassinet…. or anything that requires her to not be held.  That girl LOVES to be held.  She will only sleep if she is being cuddled in bed by me.  I’m not a fan of co-sleeping, but while she’s so little I just can’t let her cry and be upset.  That will probably change, but for now I am going to do whatever I can to make her happy.  She is my little love.  Oh, and for those of you who are currently pregnant… the love you feel is instant. As soon as you see their tiny, naked, goo-covered body, you instantly fall in love.  A deep love too… totally different from anything you’ve ever known.  It’s amazing.  So, for those of you who are still going through this insanity of infertility… please keep trying.  Don’t give up hope and think it’s not for you.  This IS for you, and I wish it for you more than I wish for anything else.

Now, cluster feeding.  I always thought that happened once your milk came in, but I was wrong.  She’s been cluster feeding since night two (it’s only been three nights… although it feels like it’s been a couple weeks already).  It’s very hard on the sleep and the nipples.  The nipples….. they are hard and sore and may never be the same again, but I know it could be worse.  The lactation consultant saved my arse.  If I had gone home doing what I was doing, I would have been in so much pain.  Talk to those ladies! They know what they are doing!

Okay, I will now leave you with a picture of my cankles…. which came AFTER delivery.  It’s normal apparently.  I wish I could say it’s the worst pain I’m experiencing… but that would have to be the pain from the stitches from the TWO tears… ouchy.

Worth it!!

 

cankles

 

 

For those of you wondering what her name is, I’m sorry but I won’t be posting it on this blog.  It’s somewhat unusual and I’m scared that a Google search of the name will lead people here.  As soon as I have lots of free time, I plan on updating my blog with my real name and information.  It’s all about my new life as a mom.  It will feature everything except information on my infertility.  As soon as that is updated and ready to go, I will let those of you who are curious know how to find me.  Then you can hear all about her and her loveliness… and me trying to figure out how to do this mommy thing!

Thank you to everyone who shared so much love with me on my last entry! I plan on messaging you all back, but it will have to wait until next time!

she’s here!

She arrived on 6/26 at 7:16 pm! I am not even going to attempt to explain how important epidurals are.  My contractions were so bad after the first seven hours of consistent contractions I couldn’t even breath.  I was crying so hard I thought I was going to throw up.  Seriously, why is pain considered to be worth it?

Anyway, She is here and I am so insanely in love! She started breast feeding within 15 minutes of being out. She is a pro…. and a hungry one at that!  I will write more once I get to a laptop, for now I will be holding my daughter (whoa!) And trying to get a little rest! I’ve been up or 21.5 hours!

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40 Week Belly — Wowzers

I wanted to make sure that I got a 40 week belly picture taken.  If I do end up going to 41 weeks, I doubt I’ll remember to take one since I will be induced that day.  So here is my belly…. I decided to take a picture of it in all it’s uncovered glory.  The first picture is the belly at 25 weeks (the last time I had it uncovered) and the second picture is today.  Oh, how the belly can grow!  The stretch marks make a lot of sense now… 😉  Also, how did it get so pale?!

Belly 25Belly 40