Other Kids

Yesterday I went to visit my family.  I love them, but they are all insane.  They now know about our infertility troubles, as I decided to “come out of the {infertility} closet” during National Infertility Awareness Week.  I wanted to be able to offer my story and have others come to me if they needed to talk.  I ended up having one friend contact me and has been talking to me about her procedures (which are so different from mine that I’ve already put in a request for her to write a guest spot).  She now has 12 embryos frozen and is waiting 6-8 weeks before transfer to avoid OHSS (I’d never head of this before…).  They got 26 eggs, so it seems like they made the right call.  Anyway… I got lost…

Okay, so, while I was with my family, my grandmother started telling me that if we are going to try with our other embryos, we should do it soon so our kids could be close together.  I told her I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to even imagine taking care of two children.  Then my sister, mom, and grandmother, almost in unison, said “two is easier than one!”

Um.  I get it.  I really do.  They have each other to play with, so they don’t need you constantly, like my daughter needs me.  That would be great.  Really, it would.  I could see her loving to have a companion.  I could see me loving her having a companion, but…. no one seems to understand what I’m actually saying, perhaps I should be clearer.

I do not know if I, personally, can take care of two children.

Before you say “yes you can!” let me explain that I still have days where it takes everything I have to not sit in a corner and sob because I am so overwhelmed with the word “mommy” and the fact that all I really want to do it sit on the couch and crochet without my daughter running off with my yarn.  I get irritated that my husband wants to play golf on the weekend, but hell, he works all week too, it’s not his fault he enjoys a sport that takes a million hours to play.  I get that he needs down time, but I still hold it against him.  I have days where I feel like I’d like to get up and leave, hide myself away at the beach for a few days (weeks?).  I want to spend more alone time with my husband, but by the time our daughter is in bed, we have maybe two hours to ourselves before we are passed out drooling, and most of the time we each have our own things we want to do with our two free hours a day.

I want meal times to be easier.

I want nap and bedtime to be easier.

I want to have an adult to talk to during the day.

I want to be able to go to the bathroom and shut the door.  (Today I had an upset stomach and she came in and closed the door, trapping us both inside – if that doesn’t haunt her nightmares, I don’t know what will).

I’m not ready.  I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready, because it’s not just about giving my child a playmate in two years (pregnancy + age a kid is able to “play”), it’s about trying to get pregnant, going on hormones that cause depression, wondering if our embryos will survive the thaw, wondering if my depression will make me actually run away on the day of the transfer, wondering if either of the embryos, or maybe even both, will stick, carrying a baby while I have a clingy, needy, toddler to take care of, having a baby with a toddler at home (I mean, grandparents aren’t far away, but they don’t want to keep her for a year, i’m sure… or doooo they?? I’ll check on that and report back…), then having to feed both kids, entertain both kids, put both kids down for a nap, or take one to preschool, pick one up from preschool, get to the grocery store, fix something for dinner, have the house is some sort of working order (I’m not saying clean, that’s just crazy talk), and then have time to feel like a human long enough to spend time with my husband and keep our relationship together?  (We struggled for quite sometime after having E — sometimes I feel like we might still be struggling a little).

To the women who have done this, and will tell me it’s easier than I’m making it out to be, I get it, truly I do.  You’re probably right.  If it happens, it’ll be my normal life and i’ll settle into it like I’ve settled into this life.  I’ll learn who goes for a nap first, who gets bathed first, how to make all the crockpot meals on pinterest, i’ll do it.  What I’m saying it that I can’t get myself to be at that point.  I can see the line, but I can’t get myself to cross it, not yet anyway.  My daughter just turned two, and this constant pressure to “get going because yada yada yada” is just, too much.  Who says kids born more than three years apart are bad, anyway?  Who wrote that rule, and where is it written?

I just realized that I titled this “other kids”, not meaning to yammer on about possible other kids for myself, but to talk about how I wanted nothing more than to snuggle my nephew (9 months) the entire time I was with my family yesterday.  I carried him around the store, comforted him when he cried, made sure my sister gave him plenty of carrots for lunch, gave him toys to play with from my personal purse stash, and gave him about a million kisses.  Did I , in that moment, want another baby?  No.  So isn’t that my true answer right now?

Go with your gut, ladies and gentlemen.  The size of your family, and the space between siblings, is not something to compare with others.  Make sure it’s right for you.

I’m hoping this is my last post on “the second baby conundrum” for a long time.  If I get a baby surprise one day (ha!) I will certainly let you all know.  For now, i’m not thinking about it, or worrying about it.  I’m hoping to use this blog as a place where I talk about how I’m simplifying my life, or what crafts I’m doing, or what random thought pops into my head (scary…).

Oh, and by the way, I love my daughter with my whole entire heart.  It’s not her fault she drive me crazy, she’s a toddler, and I’m a human, it’s normal.  Plus we spend 12 hours a day together, that would drive anyone a little crazy!  Just a little….. well, okay… a medium amount of crazy…

-E

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6 thoughts on “Other Kids

  1. Salad At Midnight says:

    My parents struggled to get pregnant, and when my mom got pregnant with me she cried because I would be 4.5 years younger than my brother and she wanted her kids to be close. Well, actually we are close… my brother and I grew up best friends, in some ways the extra space made it better because we were never competing with each other. Point being, it will all work out, whether it’s tomorrow or 3 years from now or never. Sometimes I think “family planning” has gotten a little crazy, just go with that gut of yours.

    • Thank you! Perfectly said! Family planning really has become strange. I know women who have their second and thirds planned before they even have a first. I think you need to see what it’s like to actually be a parent before you decide how many kids to have. Kids are hard. Adorable, sweet, and hilarious, but hard.

  2. Um, I totally get it, at least from my own point of view. Work is sometimes my reprieve. And though I HATE being away from her as much as I am, and I HATE the insanity that is getting out of the house, getting home, and keeping it all together (impossible), I do enjoy drinking coffee ALONE.

    Would it ever be possibly for you to send your daughter to a mother’s day out program? Like 2 times a week, 9-12 or 9-2pm?? Just thinking, you need a break. You don’t even get one on the weekends you know?
    My brother and his wife have 3 kids. I don’t know how she does it. I mean, you really would be hard pressed to have a full time job and 3 kids. So, she is a stay at home mom but her girls go to mother’s day out 2 times a week from 9-2, and she ALSO has a housekeeper that comes to the house TWICE a week. Her youngest (the third child) is 6 month old.
    So, if you really actually wanted a second child, or Hell, if you just want some sanity, maybe consider a mother’s day out program for E? My daughter loves her school and the fun she has there, though I know she’d wish she was only there a few days a week rather than 5 days a week.

    • That’s exactly why we are moving, so we can afford preschool. Right now we just can’t do it with the size of our mortgage…. which we didn’t really consider since I was only pregnant when we bought it. I do need a break… all the hours of the day and just being mommy is hard. Especially when you have a husband who is a terrible communicator. I think I have more conversations with E… and she’s two! haha

      Your sil is in a different class of people than I am. If she can afford mothers day out AND a housekeeper… phew… she’s got it made!

      So, what’s it like to drink coffee while it’s still hot??? 😀

      • Yes, my brother does pretty darn well as a lawyer so they have it made. And then my husband’s sister is married to the guy and they are buying that 1 million dollar plot of land (and her son will be going to mother’s day out).
        SO um yeah I don’t fall into either of those categories. Definitely not if we want to save for college and all that jazz.

        It’s good that you are moving to make your life easier. That’s very important. I want life to be easier, and I want more closet space.

        Hot coffee is pretty damn amazing. As is reading blogs without being interupted =) Though I know when I go home I only have a couple of hours to see my daugher, cook her dinner, bath her, tidy up the shit hole that I left the house in this morning, feed myself, shower myself, etc before doing it all over again tomorrow. It definitely has it’s downsides… and today when I dropped her off at school she was super clingy and crying for me and I had to peel her off of me. Those are the days I wish we could just turn around and go home (she had a rough night last night too). The grass is always greener!
        I just really want to work part time and have 5 hours a week in the home without a child so I can be the house keeper or run the errands that need to be done.

      • Oh, I know both ways are impossible. I think being a mother is just impossible, to be honest. I always knew that the mom job would be harder than the dad job, but I never realized how much so. It’s really unbelievable sometimes. Not that it’s all their fault, but we feed the babies, we bond with the babies, and then we have this undying need to always take care of the babies at all times. Even when I’m at my breaking point, if she needs something, or isn’t feeling well, I can do nothing else but take care of her, even if my husband were to offer.
        I do enjoy my two hour nap time break. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Not coffee, not Mexican food, not a shiny new car. It’s when i do all the things, take a shower, and sometimes, pass the F out. That is my perk, for sure!

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