A Bad Infertile?

Today I went back to the fertility clinic for the first time since I was seven weeks pregnant.  It was… strange, but absurdly familiar.  I never thought I’d be back so soon, since my little one is only eight months old, but after an email exchange with my reproductive endocrinologist, we both decided that it would be a good idea for me to have my AMH tested.  Since it went from a 6.9 to a 1.3-.67 in just one year, it is likely that I have Premature Ovarian Failure.  I asked my RE if he thought it would be a good idea to see how much it’s dropped in the past year and a half so that we could decide on a course of hormone therapy once little miss is weaned.  If it is at an undetectable level, then I would not go on birth control (which would be needed to control my PCOS symptoms), I would go on hormones to help with the premature menopause.  Wow, forgot how messed up I was — reproductively speaking!  I also found out while I was there that my best blood taking vein was permanently scared from all my blood draws during IVF.  Holy cow.  That is unreal!  I guess it’s to be expected when I only have one usable vein though.

Anyway, while I was there, one of the guys at the front asked me if I was there for my second round.  (I had little miss with me).  I quickly, without thought, said “NO WAY!!”  Then I laughed and said “she is only eight months, so I definitely need a little time!”  He then said “Oh, okay.”  I guess having someone with fertility problems be so quick to say “NO!” when asked about more babies is rare.  So, does it make me a bad infertile if I am pretty sure that I will not want to have another baby?  Is it okay, in our community, to decide that an only is the right choice for their family?  I know that when someone struggles so much for babies, they can sometimes get baby fever so bad that they will continue until their bodies crash (I saw a lady at the specialist who had a three year old, a one year old, and a four month old — all conceived through fertility treatments), desiring as many babies as possible, but I do not feel that way.  I feel like another baby would be too much for me.  I think it is important to go with what works for your family, for your sanity, and for your heart.

My husband and my little girl are my entire world.  I cannot imagine sharing it with anyone else.  Could my mind change in the next few years?  Yes, maybe, I’m keeping my mind open, but I wonder if I am in the minority when it comes to be an infertile who desires to have only one child.

Any other infertiles who stopped at one on purpose?

(I will post the results of my AMH once I hear back from the RE — Hopefully tomorrow!)

Thank You, Robert G. Edwards.

I am ashamed to admit that I had not heard of the passing of Robert G. Edwards this past April.  Not that I would have recognized the name, which shames me all over again, but the story would have caught my attention.  He is one of the two men who “discovered” IVF.  One of the men who is the reason that I am a mother.  The reason my world is filled with joy, and love, and laughter.  The reason I am overwhelmed with emotion at every moment of the day.  And he passed, and I did not know.  I was unable to take a minute to say a thank you to the universe for providing a man who had a vision.  A vision for being able to help infertile couples around the world.  A man who refused to give up after many, many failures.  Years of failures.  I can account to years of failure too!  His motivation to keep going, just so he could help others have babies.  It is amazing.  He deserved the noble prize, and I am happy that he got it before he passed.  If I had a noble prize, I would have handed him mine.  I would have loved to give him a hug.

If you’d like to read a little about his life, please read this.  And if you have had success, or even if you haven’t and you are relying on IVF to give you a family, please send a big thank you and a big hug into the universe for him and his partner Patrick Steptoe (who passed in 1988).  Their work was not always appreciated as it should have been, but I owe them so much for my beautiful baby girl.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I Will Not Vote For You

Hello, all.  I’ve missed you!  I have become a bit lonely on my mommy blog.  Not that there aren’t a lot of wonderful women who I connect with, but I am going to leave the mommy blogging to the hilarious ladies.  I miss connecting with others on a deeper level, about things that not everyone can understand unless you have been there.  I have fallen into a blogging slump, even though I constantly feel like there is more I’d like to say.  I think I will be moving back to this blog, at least that is my goal at the moment.  It feels nice to be back and to see that my blog is getting more views than ever in my absence.  I hope I have been able to help others while I’ve been away.

Today I’d like to discuss something that is making me upset.  Deep down in my bones upset.  Lately, social media is the go to move for everyone.  It isn’t just for celebrities and news anymore.  It is for stores, movies, music, and everything else you could think of.  The amount of competitions online is reaching an all time high.  “Like, comment, and share to win ______!”  Well, heck, I’d love to win ______!  Who wouldn’t?  This is fine for things like free scarves, gift cards, Ipods, and things of that sort, but this is not for babies.  Confused?  Let me explain…

For the past couple weeks, I’ve had a friend on Facebook asking everyone to go and vote for her cousin to win a free IVF session.  Now, free IVF is amazing.  Phenomenal, even!  What a prize!  What a gift!  Everyone who has to reach the point of IVF deserves help to achieve this goal.  Not many people on this planet have the type of money to go all willy nilly and do IVF without a second thought.  A lot of people go into tremendous debt in order to start a family, or TRY to start a family, as it is not always successful, and when it isn’t, these families continue to climb into debt.  By the way, I refuse to hear the words “they should just adopt!  It is a guarantee!  They are just being selfish”  Because, no it isn’t a guarantee, and it is just as expensive, takes years, and isn’t at all selfish!  And those who claim it is selfish are usually those who do not struggle.  So, don’t go there, please.

So, yes, she wanted everyone to go and vote for her cousin.  I was intrigued, and quickly disgusted.  I clicked the link and saw that there were at least 50 entries for this contest.  A contest!  Just using that word to talk about this makes me queasy!  Giving the gift of IVF should not be a popularity contest.  These people should not have to put their heart breaking stories online for everyone to see, and have people vote on who’s story is the saddest.  If someone has to do IVF, their story is sad.  Something is preventing them from conceiving a child.  Something you are told is the easiest, most natural thing in the world, is impossible for these people without the help of science.  Expensive science.  Expensive, invasive, emotional, painful science.  And you want to put on a show and make them dance for you?  Shame.  Shame on these fertility clinics that do this to these poor people.  They see these people every single day.  The struggle, the pain, and they smile and say “I know!  We will make them compete!  That will get a lot of traffic on our website!”  Absolutely revolting.

So, no, I will not vote for you, or anyone.  I know what it is like to need to do IVF, to worry about it financially, to long for it emotionally, and I still wouldn’t vote for someone in a situation just like mine, because every vote for person A, is a non vote for person B, C, D, E…..  How can I say that one couple deserves a baby more just because I know them, or a friend knows them?  Why is this happening?  Why doesn’t anyone see why this is a problem?  I understand the desperation on these people, and using them to promote your business is sick.

Cut it out, fertility clinics.  If you want to give someone a free IVF session, do so with a random drawing in-house.  Do not put on a show with these peoples lives and feelings.  IVF is hard enough, but losing your chance because you have less Facebook friends?  Infuriating.

7 weeks and a UTI?

I am officially 7 weeks today. Woo!  I am in serious need of a scan every day or two though… I need to see that little heartbeat to put my mind at ease.  Six more days until the next scan!

On another note, I think I may have a UTI.  Usually when I get a UTI I notice it, and about two hours later i’m in incredible pain and peeing blood.  This is different.  Once I pee and make sure I get every last drop out, I stand up and feel the stinging, immediate need to go again.  I know I don’t have anything left, so I go lay or sit down and I can still feel the stinging for a little while.  It’s not constant.  It only happens every now and then, so I figured it might just be something to do with the progesterone or the frequent need to pee. Today I was feeling it more often, so I emailed the doctor to see what he thinks.  It’s not causing me any pain and I’m not peeing blood, so I know it’s not to a dangerous place yet, if it is a UTI, but hopefully I can get in and get it checked out just to see.  I’m hoping it’s just something pregnancy related though.  I really don’t want to take any medication in my first trimester, even if it is considered safe.  What do you ladies think?  Anyone out there experienced this?  Anyone had a UTI and gone on medication?

First OB Scan – 6 Weeks 5 Days

I am 6 week 5 days today and I just got back from our first OB scan.  I am SO excited to say that we got to see a heartbeat today!!!  We have a little singleton in there, just chillin, waiting for us to come in next week and take more pictures.  Finally, a little bit of stress relief!  I told my husband I will let myself relax for the next three days before I start stressing out about the next scan.  He called me a goob.  😀

I am so excited!  Here’s hoping all our scans are just as exciting!

Second OB scan November 7th – Last scan at the RE office as long as everything is still looking good!  Yay!!

The First Results Are In….

…and they are POSITIVE! 🙂  I want to go on and on about how excited we are (because we are SO excited), but since we got a positive on our first beta with our first IUI and then a negative on our second, I’m a bit hesitant to be over the moon just yet.

Our next Beta is set for Monday… the numbers should have quadrupled from today.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

The doctor called me himself (have I mentioned how much I like this doctor?) and told me the good news.  I asked if my numbers were good and he said they were very good.  HCG at 79 and Progesterone at 42.  Since he called himself and told me the numbers were “very good,” I am very hopeful that this is proceeding a lot better than last time.  Last time my first beta was really low.  We are taking this good news one step at a time.

For now, I am still chugging water.  I read that it’s because your body makes more blood for your growing baby and it somehow makes you super thirsty?  I don’t mind at all!  I don’t even mind the peeing every hour on the hour.  I also don’t mind the nausea… which seems to be mainly caused by milk, cheese or yogurt.  I will take all of the symptoms!  I am just so happy that this is starting out on a positive note!

One step at a time… but for now… very happy!

Grow Little Ones!

Well, we had our embryo transfer about an hour ago.  Now I’m laying on the couch, laptop in lap with the ID channel on.  I’ll be watching Doctor Who later with the husband, so no worries about me watching murdery type things all day.  For now, my loving husband is off to the grocery store to pick some stuff up for the next few days while I’m couch bound.

So, before I talk about the transfer, first I have an insane story to tell.  They were doing another retrieval this morning, and the after-retrieval area is only separated a curtain from the pre-transfer area.  So the husband and I are sitting there waiting for the doctor and the retrieval couple are sitting on the other side of the curtain and all the sudden I hear “come on girl, come on.  Get the oxygen tank!  Come on, stay awake!”  The girl had “crashed” due to the pain meds given after the anesthesia.  Heartbeat gone and everything.  That was one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced.  Luckily it was only for a few seconds (which felt like hours to ME and I wasn’t her husband sitting there.. I can’t imagine how he felt).  Wow.. just insanely scary.  So glad that she was okay and alert soon after.  The anesthesiologist said that she had a “vagal reaction.”  No clue what that means, but I plan to Google later.  I just hope everyone has an anesthesiologist as quick and as good to react as my clinic has.

So, our transfer (not to take away from the big story, which I think is the story of the girl above) was amazing!  We got to the clinic and had to wait a little while.  We were both so jumpy and excited that it felt like it to forever to go to the back.  Finally they called us back and we both got ready.  Husband went full scrubs, I went all open back robe, while both of us dawned booties, cap and surgical mask.  We looked super cute.  Then the embryologist came out to talk to us about the embryos.  We had two very strong, 8 celled embryos to transfer. They want them to be 8 called by this point, so they were right on track!  We also have an 8 cell and a 6 cell in the lab still growing.  If they turn into blasts by day five, we can freeze them both.  This information was way above our expectations.  We were elated! Once she handed us the picture of the little ones, my husband looks at it and says “you know, it’s amazing how much they look like us.”  He got a good laugh out of me on that one. 🙂

So they got transferred without any hiccups and now I am just relaxing and enjoying the feeling of being excited and hopeful.  My pregnancy test is schedule for 10-11-12, which my husband and I both think is super awesome. 🙂  Grow little ones!  We want to meet you and love you and take care of you forever!!

Egg Retrieval, Itching, and A Big Thanks!

Today has been a big day for me.  I wanted to start by thanking everyone who has taken the time to read my blog and show your love and compassion for me and my husbands  journey.  I know we are all struggling with the same thing, so the fact that you’ve all taken time out of your days and lives to read about our struggle really means the world to me.  This blog has helped keep me sane(ish) over the past 3.5 months and it’s all because of all of you all!  Big thanks to everyone!  I hope to be able to keep showing you how much I appreciate you all by being supportive and helpful whenever you need me!  Much love for you all!

Today I also remembered why I hate hydrocodone.  It makes me itch.  All over.  All the time…. constantly… without stopping.  I’ve been trying to sleep ever since I got home.  I’m exhausted, but for some reason I can’t seem to fall all the way asleep.  I feel like I’m awake, but an hour seems to pass by like nothing.  Maybe I’m falling asleep a little?  Why doesn’t it feel like it?  Oh well, at least I get to lay around and rest.  I need it! *scratch scratch scratch*

So, the big part of my day was my egg retrieval.  The anesthesiologist today was amazing.  He was so nice and funny and helpful.  He put music on for me while we waited on the doctor and had a long discussion with me about ice cream, yogurt and smoothies.  He kept me very calm before a very big procedure, and I will be forever grateful.   So once the doctor came in (8:00 on the nose) the anesthesiologist immediately put in the meds to make me fall asleep.  Good thing I had a couple seconds (literally) before I actually fell asleep because no one told me not to lay on my gown, and apparently this was a big problem.  I had just enough time to yank the gown out from under me and get back into my butt-hanging-off-the-table position before I was out.  I awoke, kind of, about twenty minutes later.  Apparently we were having some conversations about the number of eggs retrieved and… other things? I guess?  So the total collected was 8!  I know it’s not a lot, and the odds are still not really in our favor… BUT… it’s one more than I had total on Tuesday… and the fact that they got them all out (plus the extra) was fantastic.  Now I am completely stressed out about finding out how many fertilized tomorrow.  I mean…. this is the most stressed out I’ve been so far.  I’m hoping to just sleep most of the time until the phone call tomorrow.

Will any fertilize?  If so, will it be a three-day or a five-day transfer?  Ah!  The waiting game is never ending! 🙂  I’m glad this part is over and that 8 were retrieved though! Yippy!

Now it’s time to get more rest and try to relax.  Nothing I can do from here.  It’s all up to the lab techs, eggs and spermies….. go go go guys!!!

The Injections End – The Pills Begin

 

No matter what I did, I could not get this picture to flip around.  You get the gist though.   It’s time for pills to replace injections!  Oh, and suppositories too, but I decided to keep those out of the picture.  You all know how those work. 😉

I had the hardest time getting out of bed this morning.  I was totally out-of-my-mind exhausted.  Worst morning so far.  It’s probably due to 11 days of high dose stimming.  My husband asked me today if the pills will make me as tired as the injections.  I told him no, but that the progesterone has been known to make ladies a little crazy.  I think that probably comforted him. 😉

This time tomorrow I will know how many eggs were retrieved.  I mean, if I’m aware of what’s going on I will… last time I was put under anesthesia for my wisdom teeth extraction, I was gone from the world for a good solid day.  I’m hoping that I won’t be out of it all day this time since it’s 20 minutes compared to the 1-2 hours of my wisdom teeth extraction.  We shall see!  My husband will be home taking care of me tomorrow.  I know the women have to go through all the pain of injections and aching and bloating and exhaustion, but our husbands have to deal with us while we are like this.  It’s not all fun and games and playing with themselves. 😉

Egg Retrieval Set! Thursday 9/27/12!

I just got the go ahead to take my two injections of Ovidrel tonight!  Woo! That means it’s egg collecting time.  (Why am I suddenly picturing my doctor dressed up as the Easter Bunny with a white, wicker basket?  I’ll blame the hormones.)  I am very excited to be getting this news, especially since a week ago I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make mature follicles at all. Whew… one less thing to worry about…

Now the worry begins about how many they will retrieve.  We only have 7 mature and ready to be collected, but my doctor said that there might be a few smaller ones that may be okay within the next two days.  Not likely, but maybe.  He said he is going to try as hard as he can to get all 7, and I am OVERJOYED that he will be the one doing the retrieval Thursday! Woo!

Tonight I will take my double dose of Ovidrel and then either have sex (hmmm…) or have the hubby “clean the pipes” (as the new doctor so awesomely put it).  Not sure my ovaries are up for sex, but we can give it a whirl.  Then tomorrow night I start the Z-pak (antibiotics) and no eating after midnight tomorrow night (that won’t be hard, I can’t even stay awake past 9:30).  Then Thursday morning at 8:00am… retrieval. (with a dose of hydrocodone and anesthesia) Ahh! I wonder if time is going to stop now or after the retrieval.  I’d guess after.

Any tips for the upcoming madness in my life?

**Update** got a call from the doctors office with my estrogen level.. it’s higher than 1,500 (can’t remember the exact number) so that’s good.. it’s going up! And my lining was at 7.8 today (forgot to mention that earlier).  They want me to take my two trigger shots AND 225IU more of the follistim.  I guess they really do want a few others to mature… I hope so too!  Keep on keeping on, ovaries!  Sorry belly, three shots tonight.. ouch.