When You Realize You’re In A Rut

I guess it takes getting outside of the rut to realize you were in one.  The problem is when you realize that you inevitably have to go back into the rut.  Once you’re back in… how do you cope?  How do you deal with the memories outside the rut and how much better you felt?  Here, let me explain…

This past weekend I went away with a couple of my lady friends.  We spent a great weekend in the city doing fun, geeky things.  We went a Comic Con type event, we ate great food, we relaxed, we had alcohol, and we danced, and we sang.  It felt great.  I even wore makeup every day and fixed my hair, and wore grown up clothes.

Now I’m back to being mommy.  I answer to the call of the wild humans who control my every moment of daylight.  I do not eat hot food, I do not change out of my pajamas, and I do not rest.  I am back in my rut.  It feels awful to say, but I am.  Even though I’m feeling better emotionally lately (less depression and anxiety), I still feel trapped.  Trapped by the mundane, trapped by the eating schedule, the sleep schedule, the constant neediness that is children.  It’s not their fault they are like this, it’s just how they are, but once you’ve tasted the freedom of the past…. it feels like you’re having to go back to wearing chains.

I’ve even begun to wonder if maybe my husband is bored with me.  Does he hate the mundane life that has been created here too?  Is that why he is always up for guys nights and golf weekends and basketball?  I have always understood, but I guess I really get it now.  The problem with this is that I’m never unsatisfied with my time with my husband. He is my source of calm, of normalcy, of peace.  I’d have the same night with him a million times, then a million more after that, and never get bored.  But my husband is a different person than I am.  He enjoys me (I hope), and he loves the time we spend together (I think), but I know he needs more.  That’s why he  plays around with developing apps, and plays video games after I crash for the night.

I have other things I like to do too, of course.  I crochet and I write, but by the time I’m done spending my quality time with my husband, I’m exhausted.  I guess I could blame life in general for this (kids are crazy exhausting), but I think it’s more my thyroid disorder than anything.  So my day is spent with the kids for 14 hours, then 1.5 hours with my husband, then I sleep.  There is no time to crochet or write… there is nothing left of me.  I’m a mommy and i’m a wife, and nothing else.  I guess this is why I find myself constantly on my phone during the day looking at Pinterest and Instagram.  My way of gazing out the window of my phone into other peoples lives.  People who have time to create, to write, to imagine.

I know one day things will be different.  The kids will be older and in school, then eventually they won’t want anything to do with me…. but that’s not what I want either.  It’s like I somehow want to live in this rut, but be able to fully enjoy it.  To make the rut comfy and happy and new, but I just can’t figure out how to do it.  Maybe venturing outside the rut a little more often can give me the necessary daylight and air to replenish my spirit and give me the strength to fill my rut with love… then, maybe, it just won’t be a rut anymore, but more of just a divot in the road.  A small little something that once tripped me up on my way through life.

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Shoo Fly…

I have become a woman possessed. Possessed with keeping these frigging flies out of my house.

Last year, there were hundreds of them.  I kid you not.  There is no exaggeration.  Unfortunately, I had a three year old and a 3 month old and I had no ability, energy, or desire to battle the flies.  Now, however, my kids are older, and I am on a rampage. Swatting, spraying, and cutting off their food sources.  And you want to know which of these three things is working best?  Cutting off the food source.

Last week I decided that there would be no more food in the trash.  None.  I put everything in the disposal (this is a great time for people to rave about composting, but I’m almost unable to keep up with throwing things into my sink, so it’s just not the right time, or the right blog).  I have even been rinsing out food wrappers and food covered paper towels.  Not only are there no more flies racing towards my face every time I open the garbage can, but there is also no terrible garbage smell.  Seriously, it’s a win-win.

Are there still flies? Yes, of course.  It’s summer in North Carolina…. but compared to the hundreds from last year, this year has a max of 15 at a time, and those get swatted.  Then I spray their filthy black poop dots that cover my window sills with vinegar and go about my day.  It’s kind of exhausting, but earlier this summer I was having to put a paper towel with a hairband around it around my cups so that the flies wouldn’t dive in and drown in my drink.  Inside my house.  Yes, it was that bad.

So, shoo fly, don’t bother me, or i’mma gonna have to swat ya.

Magnesium — I Owe You My Sanity

I’ve started taking magnesium once a day.  Magnesium citrate, to be clear, since I heard it was the best at being absorbed.  I had to go to GNC to find this version.  I began taking this because I was recently prescribed an anti-depressant.  I knew as soon as I held the prescription in my hand that this was not what I wanted to do, but I felt I had an obligation to myself, my daughter, and my husband to try it.  I was in no shape to take care of anyone in the state I was in.  So I filled the prescription and took it.

And I got SO SICK.  Not just physically, as I felt like I was going to vomit every minute of the day, but I also spent an entire day curled up in my bed, sobbing.  Sobbing, and sobbing, and sobbing.  I sobbed myself snotty, I sobbed my eyes swollen, I sobbed myself into a pounding headache.  Just when I thought I couldn’t cry anymore, I did.  Then I was really, really, really sure that this was not the path I wanted to take, so I did some research.

I learned that a lot of anxiety problems are caused by a magnesium deficiency.  Apparently all our processed foods do not having any magnesium thrown in at the end, so most diets nowadays do not contain any.  There are non-processed foods that contain high amounts of magnesium, such as Spinach, Chard, and dark chocolate, but I don’t eat a lot of any of the high magnesium foods (although I plan on loading up on dark chocolate – tehehe – Also, what the hell is chard??)  So I got some magnesium supplements and started taking one a day.  The suggestion on the bottle is three a day, but I didn’t want to over do it.  So far it’s been two weeks of taking a B complex vitamin and fish oil in the morning after breakfast, then taking a magnesium around 1pm when I put little E down for a nap.  I decided to take this at this time because I heard conflicting stories about magnesium making people really tired, or really jazzed up if taking it before bed.  Turns out magnesium gives me energy.  I haven’t napped IN TWO WEEKS!!  I also *drum roll please* haven’t had an anxiety attacks in two weeks, which is amazing because I was having them daily.  Some worse than others.  Some of the worst being really, really bad.  For anyone who has extreme anxiety, you know that it can get so severe that it causes depression.  I was there.

So, magnesium has saved me.  I feel like a completely new person.  I am also working in an anxiety workbook, suggested by a fellow blogger and friend, which is helping me understand my anxiety and how to live with it, but not let it control my thoughts and actions.  It is very helpful so far, although I haven’t made it to the juicy goods yet.  I’ll update once I do!

If you are feeling like anxiety is taking over your life, like I did, then I suggest you look into magnesium.  It could be a simple mineral missing from your life that can help you feel like a normal person again.  Maybe even better than normal.  So far I have had two weeks free from debilitating anxiety and chronic fatigue.  That is more time away from anxiety than I’ve had in months, and more time away from chronic fatigue than I’ve had in my entire life.  Not to mention that I sleep better at night!  WIN!

I found this page really helpful.  Magnesium can affect way more than just your mood.  Talk to your doctor first if you have kidney disease or a heart condition.