The Birth Control Choice Is In….

…and it’s…. condoms!  Whoa!  No one was expecting that, were they?

It was a strange decision that had a lot to do with my not wanting to take the chance of the progesterone only pill drying up my milk.  This is a thing.  Just Google it and you will be shocked by how many women have had this problem.  It’s just not worth the chance.  It may be a 1 in 1 million chance, but that is enough of a chance for me.  With breastfeeding, PCOS, DOR, the likely possibility that I have primary ovarian inefficiency which will lead to menopause within the next 2-3 years, AND condoms…. I think our chances of conceiving accidentally would be pretty low, if not non-existent.

Right now I am really terrified that I have a cyst on my left ovary.  I’ve been feeling twinges ever since giving birth, but I assumed this probably had something to do with GIVING BIRTH, but it’s been worse and worse over the past two days.  I remember them mentioning a small cyst on my ovary during one of my pregnancy ultrasounds (most likely a leftover follicle from the IVF), but geez, you’d think pregnancy hormones would have kicked that thing out of there?  Dried it up? Something…  Guess I did not get that lucky.  I just really hope I do not have to deal with a rupturing cyst.  This is like a period multiplied by 1,000.  It’s not quite on the level of epidural-less birth, but it is still pretty horrific.  I am usually hunched over the toilet throwing up, screaming, and sobbing.  Not sure how I’d breastfeed through something like that?  Let’s just send out some vibes that will kill this (likely) cyst!

 

Oh, and in happy baby fertility news… I have a friend who, after two years, 3 IUI’s, a fresh IVF, a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage), and an FET, was FINALLY successful and is now about 12 weeks pregnant!  The FET was successful!  I am very excited for her.  It gives me hope for all of you who are out there still trying.  I know it’s hard and you want to give up, but please don’t.  I’m not saying it has to be fertility treatments, it can be adoption.  Just any way to have a child.  If you want a child, please continue fighting for one!  And if there is anything I can help you with (although I’m certainly not a professional) please let me know!  I am here to answer questions!

Leibster Nomination #2 and My Nominations

Wow, I’m feeling the love out there ladies and gents.

I was nominated a second time for a Liebster Nomination by Pregnancy Via IVF @ Our Work of A.R.T.  Thanks lady!  Now, let’s get to those questions…

  1. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?  I’ve never really been an adventurous sort of person.  I guess I’d just like to live somewhere warm, with a low crime rate and good job selection.  –That’s boring, right?  Okay, Hawaii!
  2. What is your favorite food?  I eat Mexican food at least three times a week, but a good, homemade lasagna (either my grandmother’s or my own) would be a winner.
  3. What is your favorite holiday and why?  Christmas.  Even though we have to travel around the state to visit both sides of the family (eek).  I love the decorations and the food and the lounging around with family.
  4. If you could be any person for just one day who would you be?  Maybe Tina Fey.  She’s hilarious and rich and she doesn’t give a crap (or appear to give a crap) what anyone thinks of her.  She is the embodiment of girl power.
  5. If you could have dinner with 3 people, dead or alive, who would they be?  Christopher Walken (although I think he’s probably terrifying), Tina Fey (hilariousness) and Jon Stewart (because he’s awesome).  Of course i’m exceptionally shy, so I doubt I’d speak one word at my fictional dinner.
  6. What is your favorite season? Fall.  I love the colors, the decor and the smells of fall.  Pumpkin Spice candle from Yankee Candle, anyone?
  7. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?  I’d say maybe the ability to let things go.  When someone says something that I think is ridiculous, I do not have the ability to stop myself from saying what I think.  I’m getting better, but I still get a bit snippy at times.  I also hold a wicked grudge.
  8. What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?  When I was in elementary school, my friends and I decided that running across the bleachers and jumping onto the next set was a super fun idea.  Well, I misjudged one of the distances and ended up landing right on the edge, with my crotch.  I fell to the ground in unbearable pain, crying, and curled up into a ball.  If that wasn’t bad enough, a crowd had formed and when the teacher came to help, she asked me what hurt.  I told her I couldn’t tell her right at that second, but I guess there was a rule that said she couldn’t move me until I had notified everyone in the area what hurt.  So I had to say “I hit my lady parts on the corner of the bleacher.”  (Not sure of the exact wording, but it probably went a little like that and featured some snotting and blotchy red face).  The confession of my injury got a really good laugh out of everyone, along with some finger pointing.  Kids can be so cruel.  My vagina eventually healed.
  9. If you could pick one super power to have what would it be and why?  I have always said that my super power of choice would be to be able to find missing people and know what happened to them.  There are thousands and thousands of people who are just… gone.  Where are they?  How could that many people just vanish?  I want to know where they are and what happened to them so that their families can have closure.  Or, if they left because their families are horrible people, I can tell the police and the horrible people can be locked up while the missing person goes on about their lives in sunny-wherever.
  10. What is your favorite movie of all time?  The Muppet Christmas Carol.  I know.. I’m a huge dork, but if you can watch that movie and not feel all the love and joy in your body trying to burst out of your heart, then you may not have a heart.  Get that checked out.
  11. Why do you blog?  I blog so that I can remember what I’m going through.  The emotions, the treatments, the anger and the happiness.  I wish I had started with my IUI’s, but that probably would have been way too angry for anyone to enjoy.

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Now, I know I’m supposed to nominate people for a Liebster myself, but I’ve noticed that a lot of people are either choosing not to do them at all, or they are being nominated more than once and do not wish to keep doing it again and again.  I, myself, do not mind answering questions.  It brings me back to the good old days of my first online diary and the stupid things I wrote as a teenager.  Those were some scary times, folks.

So, since our community seems to be a bit small for nominations to continue like they are, I’ve decided that I am going to nominate everyone who wants to do it.  Anyone who follows this blog, happens to stumble across it, or just likes answering questions in survey form, is welcome to join in on the fun.  I hope some of you do!

1.  What is your favorite webpage to visit?  Why?
2.  What is the most difficult habit you have that you’ve tried to break and couldn’t?
3.  What is your favorite TV show?  Why?
4.  If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?
5.  Are you more interested in what’s in space or what’s in the ocean?  Why?
6.  What is your favorite smell?
7.  Do you have an all-time favorite picture?  Why is it your favorite? (Post it if you can!)
8.  If you were to make a smoothie right now, what would you put in it?
9.  If you could eat something for dinner that wasn’t considered dinner (Ex: Reese Cups), what would it be?
10.  What was your least favorite subject in school?  Why?  Do you still have nightmares about it?
11.  What would your dream job be?

Enjoy, folks!  I look forward to seeing your answers! 🙂

Purple Pee

My friend and I decided last year during my IUI’s that pregnancy needs a better set of symptoms.  Something concrete and in your face.  Unmistakable.  That’s when we decided that purple pee would be perfect!  No mixing that up with period symptoms.  Look in the toilet… see purple… rejoice!

There has to be a way to make that happen.  Let’s get on it!

8dp3dt — Today I will distract myself by going to see a movie with the husband!

Things And Such

Today I am 3dp3dt (I said I wasn’t going to do that, but I think I might.  Easiest way to share the time frame with everyone).  Today I’ve been pretty tired, noticed that my heartbeat seems harder or maybe fast or something?  I can feel it pulsing through my body when I’m laying down to rest, and walking upstairs leaves me a little winded.  The pressure in my abdomen is also increasing, and I know it’s not because of “going” problems this time.  (Thank you prune juice!)

Are these symptoms?  Nah, way too early for that.  I’m sure it’s just the progesterone talking to me.  I seem to remember feeling this exact way after every IUI, which leaves me worried because I miscarried after one and had my period after two others.  I know the progesterone has continued to keep my breasts sore after injections ended, so all of this other stuff seems like it would be part of the whole shebang.  I know everyone says they wish they could just know what’s happening in there, and that it gets redundant after a while, but I really, really, really wish I could know.   I feel almost like I do before my period starts, except more pressure and less cramping (although there is cramping).  I am bloated like a beast though, so that could definitely explain the pressure.  Maybe in the future they could transfer embryos and then just put you to sleep for two weeks?  That seems like it would work best for mother and embryos.  🙂  Ah, I guess I’ll just wait some more… tick tock, clock! 8 more days…

No Touchy

I am so uncomfortable.  I will be so happy if this is my last night of injections (other than the trigger shots (yes, shotS (Plural)).  Other than barely being able to wear underwear due to the extreme swelling/bloating in my abdomen, now my breasts (specifically, my thermometers ;)) can barely be touched by my shirt.  Hormones, man, hormones.

I can’t believe I’m nervous about my scan tomorrow too.  It will be 24 hours between today’s and tomorrow’s, yet I’m still worried that something is going to be wrong.  Is this normal?  Should I be this freaked out at all times?  I’m pretty sure it’s normal from what I’ve read on other blogs.

And do you know, in the middle of all this uncomfortable, untouchable, crazy-minded stuff I’m going through… I really miss sex?  We had very careful sex this past weekend, but that was difficult to do because I could feel my ovaries aching.  We were cautious because when we had sex during IUI’s, we must have knocked one of my swollen, droopy ovaries and I ended up on the bathroom floor for 30 minutes thinking I might have to go to the hospital. Ouch.  Yet, I’m still wanting some!  You see, one of my symptoms of PCOS, which is caused by my higher than normal male hormones, is a crazy awesome sex drive.  I’m talking 4-5 times a week is pretty standard.  Now it’s been one time in almost three weeks?  Whew.  Tough times. 😉

If someone had told me growing up that I’d be attempting to make a baby without sex, I would have laughed and laughed… and laughed….

Actually, it is kind of amusing when you think about it…. right?

The Icky Feeling Of Uber Hormones

It’s pointless to say that injecting 600 units of hormone inducing medicines into your body will make you feel “off.”  Most of you are with me on this, or soon will be, or have been.  I feel like a pin cushion.  Good thing it’s only one injection a night.  Luckily, I’ve only had one visible bruise, the rest of them can only be felt and not seen.  I am feeling tired, very tired… exhausted.  I remember this from the IUI rounds, but I feel like it’s doubled with this amount of meds.  My abdomen feels like it’s pressurized (which I guess is good? Go ovaries, go?) and my back is achy.  Headaches are standard, and feeling “out of it” is an understatement.  My husband likes to giggle at my “out of itness,”  I don’t blame him, I feel like I’m barely functioning the past couple days.

I think my exhaustion and space cadet status are all exaggerated by my fear that we may have to give up on this cycle, therefore giving up on biological children.  It’s scary.  I had prepared myself for maybe the fresh cycle not taking an having to try a frozen, and maybe even the frozen not working, but not even being able to implant anything is just not something I saw coming.  I keep wanting to blame ourselves for taking the nine months off between IUI and IVF, but, come on, who could have known that my overflowing PCOS ovaries were going to empty out?  No one on earth could have seen that coming.  My doctor is still completely confused by it, and he’s a fertility specialist that does this for a living.  If that’s not saying something, I don’t know what is.

I don’t believe in that “everything happens for a reason” thing.  I used to, but then I realized that if I believed in that, I’d have to believe that there is a reason for kids being molested and murdered, and that is not a possibility.  Plus, there is no reason that this universe wouldn’t want a little baby made of half me, half my husband, because we are adorable!  🙂

8:15am tomorrow morning…. bring it.

The Reality

I am all about facing the reality of a situation.  I can see every side of a situation.  I know what is possible and can mentally wrap my head around anything.  It doesn’t mean I won’t be upset by something bad happening, but it does mean that I will already have an idea as to how I will feel if the situation does turn negative.

I’ve been mentally preparing myself since our miscarriage in November.  I told myself that this whole baby thing might not be a possibility for us.  After all, I’ve never been able to imagine myself as pregnant.  I always thought that was meaningful somehow.  We kept on keeping on though.  My ovarian reserve was good, I was responding well to the medicines and my husbands numbers were going up every IUI.  His numbers were probably due to the fact that I was too uncomfortable from the swollen ovaries to want to have sex, but whatever was doing it, everything was going well.

After our third IUI failed, I was pretty miserable.  I kept thinking back to the four days I was pregnant before I got the second Beta back and the news that I would soon start my period.  I could not find my happy place.  I started spending a lot of time to myself.  I read a lot to keep myself busy and distracted.  It wasn’t until I read the book, The Varieties of the Scientific Experience: A Personal View of the Search for God by Carl Sagan, that I realized what was truly wrong.  I was putting too much thought into why God wouldn’t want us to have children.  I mean, I have an aunt who is out of her mind on pills every single day and she had been able to have three children.  So why not us?  What had we done wrong?  Why were we unable to have a child?  It didn’t make any sense.  We are good, caring, lovable people.  We have the income to support a child, and the love to help one grow.  It wasn’t until I read this book that I realized things are not determined by a big guy sitting on a throne picking out people at random who were and were not able to have kids.  No one saying who was good enough, or devoted enough to deserve children.  The ability to have children is medical.  Some people can’t see, some can’t walk, some can’t talk, some can’t make insulin, some can’t think without hearing voices…. and some can’t make babies.  Period.  It’s that simple.  It’s not a punishment.  People don’t get to have children because they are better than others, or more devote, they just get to have children because medically, they can.  This really helped me out a lot back in January, and I think it’s going to help me out now.

I just got off the phone with my doctor.  I sent him an email last night to ask about how much more medicine I need to order, and the email blossomed into “how do you think everything is going” and “do you think I have premature ovarian failure?” Well, the results of the scan on Wednesday, along with the estrogen level of 119 was not good.  In his words “the results are not off to a good start.”  He says it’s still too early to determine whether or not things are definitely good or definitely bad, but he is concerned.  He says Saturday will give him a better indication of how things are working and we can go from there.  In regard to the POF question, he said that he was impressed with my knowledge on it (thank you, Google) and that it would be hard to determine that’s what it is until my period completely stops.  No way to know that yet, since I’ve been on birth control or fertility drugs.  He does think that is where it’s going though.  I’m definitely peri-menopausal at this moment.  He says I could continue to have (some) periods for years to come, or they may stop in the next year, there is just no way to tell.

All of this good news at one time was a little much to handle.  Of course I’ve been crying, who wouldn’t?  I knew all of this already, but having everything confirmed by the doctor was a little overwhelming.  I’m so tired and emotional from the medications already.  So this is my thing…… this is medical.  No one is against me.  I just have problems conceiving (and maybe carrying a pregnancy).  I do have a loving family, wonderful friends and the most amazing husband in the world.  I am a very lucky girl and if I can’t have children then I am still going to have a beautiful life.

I will keep telling myself this as we head into Saturday… wish us luck!

Must Eat All Of The Things…

So, another side effect i’m noticing is my bottomless pit of a stomach… which seems to want lots of sugar.  I’m also totally exhausted.  Maybe my body is trying to overcome all the tired by eating all of the sugar. Ugh… what a battle.  My stomach is already bloating out enough, I’m sure the extra sugar isn’t going to help.  Bright side?  I am going to rock my sweat pants like you wouldn’t believe!

Worth it though!

When I did my IUI’s last year, I never had pain with any of my injections, except for the Ganirelix and that was just after the injection.  It would burn, itch and turn red at the injection site for 30 minutes to an hour.  But this Menopur + Follistim combo burns as soon as I start the injection… and there is a lot in the injection.  Ouchy.  Also, I’m having bruising from the injections.  They are about an inch long, half an inch wide, and almost rectangular in shape.  They are so weird.  My stomach is going to look pretty neat by the time I’ve done a week and a half worth of injections.  I plan to take a pretty picture once it’s all done.

…I wonder how much it’s going to hurt once I have to add the Ganirelix into the injection.

Worth it though!

Time for bed… I plan to sleep for at least 10 hours… maybe my dogs will be nice to be and let me sleep for 12? 🙂

Done With Birth Control

Well, I’m done with birth control for the time being (hopefully about ten months).  So glad too.  My body has been feeling quite icky from skipping my period and going to the next pack.  Super bloated.  Now on Saturday the bloat will start to go crazy from the meds.  When we were doing the IUI’s, I got to a point where I couldn’t button my pants.  I had to wear stretch pants or do the hair tie through the button hole on my jeans.  Sometimes the hair tie through the button hole didn’t even work.  Since my meds are tripled each day from what they were from IUI, I guess it’s going to be pretty uncomfortable.  I welcome it! I’m ready! Bring on the super bloat!

It’s True… But How?

I’m so confused right now.  I went in for my ultrasound thinking “stupid blood test making me spend $250 just to find out that everything is fine!”  Well, how wrong I was.  The blood test was right.  Somehow I’ve misplaced all my eggs.  I went from a 6.9 AMH in August (super high because of my PCOS) to 0.67 now.  How the hell does that happen?  I still have PCOS.  Do I now how have some of other super fun piece of shit disease or disorder or something?

I am so angry and upset.  I don’t understand how all the sudden, the ONE thing my body did right, can’t do it anymore.  How did this happen? HOW?! And why!?

I wish my doctor had been the one to do the ultrasound today.  This lady doctor doesn’t have a very good bedside manner.  The only thing she asked when she saw it was “have you had any pelvic surgery recently?”  I said “No” and then that was it, she didn’t have any other ideas at all.  She said “It’s good you’re doing IVF! We definitely have to have you on a high dose!”  IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!! I had to be on the lowest dose possible (25 units of follistim) for the start of my IUI’s.  So, any explanation doctor….. Oh, nothing?  Just the words “Don’t worry, it’s going to be okay” as you walk out the door?  That made me feel even worse about it.  I knew it had to be serious for her to give me the reassuring BS as she walked out the door.  I mean, thanks, but now I know it’s worse than I thought.

This kind of takes away some of my joy to start the process.  Now I know there is a chance that I won’t make a lot of follicles, which is insanity! I am the girl who made 9 follicles on the lowest dose of meds possible.  How is this happening?  Is there something wrong with me?  I’ve been on BC since our last IUI failed in January, so I know they didn’t all ovulate out over the past nine months.  Where did they go.  I’m so confused. Someone help me!

I’m just going to have to take some advice from Florence and the Machine in their song “Shake it Out.”  I’m grateful for my husband, my family and my friends.  And I’m lucky to be able to do IVF at all.  I must remember these things, because she’s right, it IS hard to dance with a devil on your back.

I’m going to take the rest of the weekend to be ill about this though.  Hopefully I’ll be better by nursing class on Tuesday.

____________________________

“And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa”