When It’s Easier to Plug-in, Unplug.

I knew today would be hard when I cracked open my eyes to see what time it was at it was only 5:54.  My daughter, standing at the side of my bed, leaning her face into my face, quietly asking if she could snuggle.  I peered back at her through blurry, glasses-less eyes and said “it’s too early, go ask your daddy….”  (He was on the other side of the bed, mind you).

I guess my answer should have been “sure, baby girl.  I know it’s an hour before your get-up clock says it’s okay to be in our room, but you never listen to that anyway because you are strong and independent, and I admire that!”

I just don’t like to be woken up, and especially not so damned early.  Turns out my son was working on a bowel movement and woke up 23 minutes later, screaming his face off.

This is motherhood.  It’s real and it’s raw.  It’s opening your weary eyes and having to immediately “get to work,” so to speak.  There is no waking up when your body says so, or going to the bathroom, or brushing your teeth, or drinking your tea/coffee while you listen to the silence of the earth rotating in space.  It’s just non-stop noise, dancing, hitting, yelling, eating, crying, screaming, laughing…. and that’s just from the four year old.

So, today, on day five of a very long week, I should have thrown my hands into the air and said “screw it!  Here’s an iPad, and the TV, and any snack you want, just be quiet for five minutes!!!” But, I didn’t.  I breathed through it.  I even did exercises every time I got frustrated (so, quite a workout).  I kept the TV off, I kept the iPad upstairs and my phone hidden.  I know that these things wear on my daughters mind.  They make her anxious and keep her mind running with all the noise and all the flashing colors.  She needed to be unplugged today, and so did I.

Sometimes the silence of being unplugged can be harder to fill with patience, because it definitely takes more work, but today, so far, has been an improvement on yesterday…. and that’s really all I’m asking for.

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32 Weeks Tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be 32 weeks pregnant with my little guy.  I’m in that stage of being confused by whether I want time to speed up or slow down.  My body wants to be done, but my mind is all like “you want to have two kids to take care of right now? Huh? HUH?!”  The majority of the time, my mind is still winning and my body is staying silent… ish.

So far we’ve got most of his room done.  I find myself wanting to mimic our daughters room in a way.  I don’t want him to have more things than her, or less things than her.  I want them to both feel that their spaces are happy and have had a lot of love put into them.  I made my daughter most of her decorations.  I painted three animal paintings, painted letters spelling out her first name for her wall, and painted a three picture frame to hang her ultrasound pictures on the wall.  So far, for our little guy, I’ve got one animal picture painting done and his name craft done, which we have to hide until he’s born because it’s a secret. Shhhhhh….  Anyway, I’m getting closer, but my body is revolting in my free time and making me sleep instead of craft.  Maybe I’ll have all his crafts done by the time he starts kindergarten!

I’m still freaking out a little.  Especially since my daughter is currently fighting naps.  *sob sob sob*  She’s 2.5, and not taking it well at all.  She still needs naps, but for some reason she just isn’t most days.  I feel like she knows something is about the change.  Something big….. (and not just my belly, which is huge).  I’m just hoping she goes back to napping more frequently so that I can nap more frequently too!  I’d pay her money, but she doesn’t understand bribes yet.  Too bad too… I’d definitely pay $50 for a nap.  She doesn’t know what she’s missing!

A Day and a Half Until “Reality”

Well, on Thursday my husband will be heading back to work.  I’ve talked him into only working half days on Thursday and Friday.  It will be a good mini test run for me and the little lady.  If it turns out I start to lose my mind, my in-laws are on standby to come and rescue me.  It’s nice to know that they are on summer break for the next month, just in case.

He has been leaving me for short periods of time so I can try things out.  He is at the grocery store and picking up lunch right now.  I fed her, rocked her, and put her down in her pack and play.  I must say that I am AMAZED that she is actually sleeping in her pack and play right now.  Why do I have a feeling that she won’t be this easy as soon as the hubby is back to work?  Maybe she is just lulled to sleep by the soothing sounds of Doctor Who?  😉

Other than the cluster feedings that still spring up here and there, she has been feeding pretty regularly.  The night before last she pretty much fed from 8pm to 3am.  Holy cow, I’m not sure I’ve ever been that tired.  We got through it though!  Today I may try pumping for the first time.  I’m going to do a little research on how to pump and store the milk, then go from there.  I’m planning on feeding her, then pumping out whatever remains after the feeding (doctors recommendation).  Since she still has instances of cluster feeding, I will only try pumping once a day, just to make sure that if she does need to cluster feed at night, I’ll be ready for her.

I absolutely love my baby girl.

I May Have Found A Flow….

Okay, so, I was trying to do the breastfeeding thing where I offer one boob, let her go to town until she was done, and then put her to sleep.  Well, she keeps waking up every hour to eat more, so I decided to try feeding for 15-20 on one side (usually until she falls asleep), then I change her diaper, and then I let her feed from the other boob (usually 10-15 more minutes).  I did this exclusively last night and it seems to be working wonders.  We will see if it was just a fluke….

Right now she is still asleep (10:00am here).  I HAD to get up and eat, so I let her and daddy sleep in this morning.  I haven’t been eating anything until noon or 1:00pm lately, so this has been a treat to eat something so early in the morning!

Eating Machine

My little one is an eating machine.  We are trying to get her onto an every 2-3 hour schedule, but sometimes she will start at 1:00, eat for 30 minutes, sleep/chill for 30 minutes and be ready to do it all over again at 2:00.  Apparently they can go through a big growth spurt from 7-14 days old, so I’m thinking this might be what she’s doing right now (8 days old).  I don’t mind too much since my breasts are finally starting to adjust to having a little baby on them for hours and hours and hours a day.  They are still bleeding and a bit scabby, but compared to a few days ago, they are practically healed.  I’m having some trouble with righty, she’s lazy.  Lefty is leaking all the time.  I can’t wear pads, since they stick to the scabs, but the lactation consultant at the hospital gave me breast shields that keep my nipples puckered and catch the leaking.  If I bend over, it leaks all over my shirt.  So far this has happened every day.  I just can’t seem to remember!

The hemorrhoids and the tears seem to be healing well.  I’m still bleeding, but it’s only enough to need a normal pad during the day instead of two lined up going belly button to lower back.  Sexy.  I’m actually in normal people underwear today!  I’ve been in hospital mesh panties for a week, so it’s nice to have my normal stuff on.  I also don’t have to use the numbing spray on the nether-regions anymore, or take the oxycodone.  I do still take an Ibuprofen each day for back pain, but from the amount of drugs I was on at the hospital to now, it’s a huge change.  Let’s me know that I am healing.  Oh, and I know most people don’t think this way, but being at the hospital was amazing.  The nurses were always ready to help and teach.  Going home was a little scary…

Motherhood is scary.  I am constantly worried about her.  I wake up all night and make sure she is okay.  I worry that when we wipe her after a dirty diaper we may not wipe good enough and she’ll get an infection.  I worry that her clothes are too hot or too cold.  I worry that she’s not eating enough (even after she feeds for 30-40 minutes).  I wonder if I’m holding her head stable enough so that I don’t hurt her neck.  It’s a crazy time for my brain.  I’ve had a few breakdowns with uncontrollable crying, but my husband has been very supportive.  He makes sure that when this happens I get a nap in right away.  I worry about what life will be like when he goes back to work.  I am glad to know that his parents and my parents are only 2.5 hours away if I need them.  I’m hoping I can handle it, but I’m worried about taking care of her, and me, and the two dogs all day.  I worry.  I’m a worrier.

A Quick Update

Daddy is currently “playing” (holding baby girl while she sleeps) with the baby, so I thought I’d hop on and let you all know that we are all doing great!  The no sleep thing is kind of nuts, to be honest, but I just can’t seem to mind when I know that it’s for my little girl.  Especially the hour or so a night where she just looks at me.  No squirming, no eating, no noises…. she’s just looking at me.  That is when we have our deepest conversations. 🙂

She hates the bassinet…. or anything that requires her to not be held.  That girl LOVES to be held.  She will only sleep if she is being cuddled in bed by me.  I’m not a fan of co-sleeping, but while she’s so little I just can’t let her cry and be upset.  That will probably change, but for now I am going to do whatever I can to make her happy.  She is my little love.  Oh, and for those of you who are currently pregnant… the love you feel is instant. As soon as you see their tiny, naked, goo-covered body, you instantly fall in love.  A deep love too… totally different from anything you’ve ever known.  It’s amazing.  So, for those of you who are still going through this insanity of infertility… please keep trying.  Don’t give up hope and think it’s not for you.  This IS for you, and I wish it for you more than I wish for anything else.

Now, cluster feeding.  I always thought that happened once your milk came in, but I was wrong.  She’s been cluster feeding since night two (it’s only been three nights… although it feels like it’s been a couple weeks already).  It’s very hard on the sleep and the nipples.  The nipples….. they are hard and sore and may never be the same again, but I know it could be worse.  The lactation consultant saved my arse.  If I had gone home doing what I was doing, I would have been in so much pain.  Talk to those ladies! They know what they are doing!

Okay, I will now leave you with a picture of my cankles…. which came AFTER delivery.  It’s normal apparently.  I wish I could say it’s the worst pain I’m experiencing… but that would have to be the pain from the stitches from the TWO tears… ouchy.

Worth it!!

 

cankles

 

 

For those of you wondering what her name is, I’m sorry but I won’t be posting it on this blog.  It’s somewhat unusual and I’m scared that a Google search of the name will lead people here.  As soon as I have lots of free time, I plan on updating my blog with my real name and information.  It’s all about my new life as a mom.  It will feature everything except information on my infertility.  As soon as that is updated and ready to go, I will let those of you who are curious know how to find me.  Then you can hear all about her and her loveliness… and me trying to figure out how to do this mommy thing!

Thank you to everyone who shared so much love with me on my last entry! I plan on messaging you all back, but it will have to wait until next time!