Alright, everyone. Here is the deal. I am going to take a break from this blog for a while (maybe coming back every now and then to update on my issues with PCOS or post information from friends who are currently fighting infertility). I will be blogging under my new blog, with my real name. I am posting this so that if you care to follow me on my new blog, you can. This post will only be up for a few days, then I will be deleting it so that no one (in my real life) can connect these two blogs together. I still have a lot of people in my life that do not know about the infertility (they know I have PCOS, but not that it caused problems) and I’d like to keep it that way.
My new blog is ………….. (this information was deleted on 8/16. If you come across this later and would like to know, leave a message. I will check in every week or two.)
I hope you all decide to keep up with me in my new world as a mommy, but I understand if you’d rather not.
I’ve gone to write entries in here a few times over the past couple days. Right now I’ve got a sleepy lady in my lap, so I thought I’d write out an entry while I have a few minutes. I’m having trouble figuring out what the next step is for this blog. Do I start writing about my baby and upset those who come to this blog for help/thoughts on infertility, or do I stick with only discussing problems I may start to experience with my PCOS creeping back up on me? Or, should I give this blog a farewell and switch over to my new one forever? I’m torn. I have a lot of followers (somewhere around 90 at the moment) and I have a lot of people who search and find me for thoughts on infertility. I’m just worried that I have nothing left to offer the infertility world. If we try for baby #2 one day, I may have more to offer the infertility world, but for now I feel like every entry I write about my new baby girl will just be salt in the wounds of those who are continuing to struggle. At least, that’s how it would feel if roles were reversed.
Well, on Thursday my husband will be heading back to work. I’ve talked him into only working half days on Thursday and Friday. It will be a good mini test run for me and the little lady. If it turns out I start to lose my mind, my in-laws are on standby to come and rescue me. It’s nice to know that they are on summer break for the next month, just in case.
He has been leaving me for short periods of time so I can try things out. He is at the grocery store and picking up lunch right now. I fed her, rocked her, and put her down in her pack and play. I must say that I am AMAZED that she is actually sleeping in her pack and play right now. Why do I have a feeling that she won’t be this easy as soon as the hubby is back to work? Maybe she is just lulled to sleep by the soothing sounds of Doctor Who? 😉
Other than the cluster feedings that still spring up here and there, she has been feeding pretty regularly. The night before last she pretty much fed from 8pm to 3am. Holy cow, I’m not sure I’ve ever been that tired. We got through it though! Today I may try pumping for the first time. I’m going to do a little research on how to pump and store the milk, then go from there. I’m planning on feeding her, then pumping out whatever remains after the feeding (doctors recommendation). Since she still has instances of cluster feeding, I will only try pumping once a day, just to make sure that if she does need to cluster feed at night, I’ll be ready for her.
Okay, so, I was trying to do the breastfeeding thing where I offer one boob, let her go to town until she was done, and then put her to sleep. Well, she keeps waking up every hour to eat more, so I decided to try feeding for 15-20 on one side (usually until she falls asleep), then I change her diaper, and then I let her feed from the other boob (usually 10-15 more minutes). I did this exclusively last night and it seems to be working wonders. We will see if it was just a fluke….
Right now she is still asleep (10:00am here). I HAD to get up and eat, so I let her and daddy sleep in this morning. I haven’t been eating anything until noon or 1:00pm lately, so this has been a treat to eat something so early in the morning!
My little one is an eating machine. We are trying to get her onto an every 2-3 hour schedule, but sometimes she will start at 1:00, eat for 30 minutes, sleep/chill for 30 minutes and be ready to do it all over again at 2:00. Apparently they can go through a big growth spurt from 7-14 days old, so I’m thinking this might be what she’s doing right now (8 days old). I don’t mind too much since my breasts are finally starting to adjust to having a little baby on them for hours and hours and hours a day. They are still bleeding and a bit scabby, but compared to a few days ago, they are practically healed. I’m having some trouble with righty, she’s lazy. Lefty is leaking all the time. I can’t wear pads, since they stick to the scabs, but the lactation consultant at the hospital gave me breast shields that keep my nipples puckered and catch the leaking. If I bend over, it leaks all over my shirt. So far this has happened every day. I just can’t seem to remember!
The hemorrhoids and the tears seem to be healing well. I’m still bleeding, but it’s only enough to need a normal pad during the day instead of two lined up going belly button to lower back. Sexy. I’m actually in normal people underwear today! I’ve been in hospital mesh panties for a week, so it’s nice to have my normal stuff on. I also don’t have to use the numbing spray on the nether-regions anymore, or take the oxycodone. I do still take an Ibuprofen each day for back pain, but from the amount of drugs I was on at the hospital to now, it’s a huge change. Let’s me know that I am healing. Oh, and I know most people don’t think this way, but being at the hospital was amazing. The nurses were always ready to help and teach. Going home was a little scary…
Motherhood is scary. I am constantly worried about her. I wake up all night and make sure she is okay. I worry that when we wipe her after a dirty diaper we may not wipe good enough and she’ll get an infection. I worry that her clothes are too hot or too cold. I worry that she’s not eating enough (even after she feeds for 30-40 minutes). I wonder if I’m holding her head stable enough so that I don’t hurt her neck. It’s a crazy time for my brain. I’ve had a few breakdowns with uncontrollable crying, but my husband has been very supportive. He makes sure that when this happens I get a nap in right away. I worry about what life will be like when he goes back to work. I am glad to know that his parents and my parents are only 2.5 hours away if I need them. I’m hoping I can handle it, but I’m worried about taking care of her, and me, and the two dogs all day. I worry. I’m a worrier.