I guess it takes getting outside of the rut to realize you were in one. The problem is when you realize that you inevitably have to go back into the rut. Once you’re back in… how do you cope? How do you deal with the memories outside the rut and how much better you felt? Here, let me explain…
This past weekend I went away with a couple of my lady friends. We spent a great weekend in the city doing fun, geeky things. We went a Comic Con type event, we ate great food, we relaxed, we had alcohol, and we danced, and we sang. It felt great. I even wore makeup every day and fixed my hair, and wore grown up clothes.
Now I’m back to being mommy. I answer to the call of the wild humans who control my every moment of daylight. I do not eat hot food, I do not change out of my pajamas, and I do not rest. I am back in my rut. It feels awful to say, but I am. Even though I’m feeling better emotionally lately (less depression and anxiety), I still feel trapped. Trapped by the mundane, trapped by the eating schedule, the sleep schedule, the constant neediness that is children. It’s not their fault they are like this, it’s just how they are, but once you’ve tasted the freedom of the past…. it feels like you’re having to go back to wearing chains.
I’ve even begun to wonder if maybe my husband is bored with me. Does he hate the mundane life that has been created here too? Is that why he is always up for guys nights and golf weekends and basketball? I have always understood, but I guess I really get it now. The problem with this is that I’m never unsatisfied with my time with my husband. He is my source of calm, of normalcy, of peace. I’d have the same night with him a million times, then a million more after that, and never get bored. But my husband is a different person than I am. He enjoys me (I hope), and he loves the time we spend together (I think), but I know he needs more. That’s why he plays around with developing apps, and plays video games after I crash for the night.
I have other things I like to do too, of course. I crochet and I write, but by the time I’m done spending my quality time with my husband, I’m exhausted. I guess I could blame life in general for this (kids are crazy exhausting), but I think it’s more my thyroid disorder than anything. So my day is spent with the kids for 14 hours, then 1.5 hours with my husband, then I sleep. There is no time to crochet or write… there is nothing left of me. I’m a mommy and i’m a wife, and nothing else. I guess this is why I find myself constantly on my phone during the day looking at Pinterest and Instagram. My way of gazing out the window of my phone into other peoples lives. People who have time to create, to write, to imagine.
I know one day things will be different. The kids will be older and in school, then eventually they won’t want anything to do with me…. but that’s not what I want either. It’s like I somehow want to live in this rut, but be able to fully enjoy it. To make the rut comfy and happy and new, but I just can’t figure out how to do it. Maybe venturing outside the rut a little more often can give me the necessary daylight and air to replenish my spirit and give me the strength to fill my rut with love… then, maybe, it just won’t be a rut anymore, but more of just a divot in the road. A small little something that once tripped me up on my way through life.