I’ve been wrestling with the thought of quitting Facebook for quite sometime now. I find myself on it during the day while I’m supposed to be playing with my daughter, and that bothers me. It isn’t guilt that I’m being a bad mother, it’s that I do actually want to be spending that time with her, but I’m not. I find myself on it when we are playing with Legos, or eating lunch, or playing princess. Why? Why am I on it? I can’t even tell you. Sometimes I’m not even sure how I got to my phone. Didn’t I tell her I was going to get a drink of water? Why is she finding me hunched over my phone, silently yelling at strangers under my breath for saying stupid things about stupid things? How can I stop this behavior?
Well, it seems simple, right? Quit Facebook! It wouldn’t be hard. I’d still have text for friends, or the actual phone. I’d keep pinterest, because honestly I only play on that at night when I can really get in there and search for something to cook, or crochet, or paint. Instagram is lovely, but takes little to no time to look through. Facebook is the only thing that really has it’s claws in me, and I hate it for that, and I hate myself that I am somehow that interested in who is eating where, who is voting for who, and who hates x, y, and z.
So, what do I do? I tell myself that I have Facebook to keep family up to date on our daughter. I guess that’s true. I do like sharing pictures and funny things she does on there, but then I wonder if that’s even fair to her? Should I share these things? Is this something she would ultimately want? What will we learn about privacy and ownership of these pictures and videos we post in the next ten years? Is it worth it to find out?
I’m struggling with thinking that I might be giving something up that keeps me going, that keeps me linked to the world while I’m inside my house with a two year old all day, but honestly, I find that I am happier and less anxious on days when I delete Facebook from my phone and pretend it doesn’t exist (I do this often, if that’s not a sign of my true desire, I don’t know what is). Sometimes I sneak on through my phones web browser…. that’s when I really worry about myself. I can’t wait just five hours to get on Facebook and find out who likes The Daily Shows latest clip? Why? I honestly can’t answer that.
So, here I am, wondering what to do. I can deactivate for a week and see how it goes, apparently Facebook keeps everything right where it is, in case you decide to come back. There is an option to delete, but I’m not there yet. I’m not ready to give it up. If I deactivate, I have to explain to family friends why I’m no longer available for tagging and messenger. They’ll ask what’s wrong, and tell me I’m crazy. “It’s good to have this outlet, this window into the world while you’re at home all day. You’ll go crazy without it! How will we get in touch with you? How will we see little E?” Well, they could call or visit, right? Should I worry about what they think? Should I worry I might be losing a connection, or should I rejoice in the deeper connection I will ultimately have with my daughter? Can I become the person I truly want to be? Can I be the mom who isn’t hunched over her phone all day? I hate seeing my husband on his all day, I can only assume that’s how my daughter sees me. That’s why she pulls on me, yells at me, whines for my attention while I’m reading a story about someone else’s child. She needs me, and I need her. This is for her.
I think I’ve made my decision. I’ll let you know how it goes.