9 Weeks

Wow…. 9 weeks! Amazing!

I had my very first dream about being pregnant last night.  My due date is June 24th and my anniversary is June 23rd.  So my dream was about trying to get a wedding dress for our second wedding (which doesn’t actually exist) and trying to make sure it’s big enough to fit my belly since my due date would be the following day.  It made me feel good to have that dream.  Even though I’ve seen my scans, it’s still been a week and a half since I’ve seen squirrel on the ultrasound and everyday since then I’ve wondered if everything is still going well.  My breasts and nipples still feel the same, i’m more and more exhausted and I still get the “growing pain” feelings across my stomach and back.  All of this is very reassuring.  I don’t get as nauseous as I was.  I was having it all day long for a few days, but now it’s back to where it was before with some slight nausea after foods or smells just don’t sit right.  I still love all my symptoms!  I think once my belly starts to show, I’ll be able to take that as my anxiety relief.

I have been a bit more moody in the past couple of days too.  Last night I cried for about 20 minutes before falling asleep because my husband didn’t give me a kiss before he rolled over to sleep.  Buuuut… he thought I was asleep.  So why would he?  haha Irrational crying.. haven’t had that in a while.  I still cry at the TV a lot.  We were watching football last night, and a guy got injured and I started tearing up.  Luckily my husband didn’t see this. 🙂

One week exactly until my next scan, which is my first OB appointment!

Five Weeks

I’ve made it to five weeks!  As far as I know, everything is still progressing well.  Breasts and nipples are sore, nauseous sometimes (depending on what I eat and if I don’t eat soon enough after waking up and between meals), some aching in my back, and tired.  I’m still getting the cramps when I pee (sometimes, not every time) and right before I realize I have gas.  It’s like a little preemptive warning for me “here comes a cramp, be prepared to poot!”  Too much information? Ah, come on, you guys know me by now!

The fact that it’s been five days since I’ve had any sort of testing to verify that things are still progressing is kind of stressful, but this is the way it goes.  Two week waits are the bane of pregnancy.  I think us infertiles should get special, mental treatment.  Right? RIGHT?!

I’m glad I haven’t had anymore of those pubic pains.  Those hurt like a bia, but the three ladies I’ve talked to about it all said they had those pains in early pregnancy.  I also have all of my symptoms and I haven’t had any normal cramping or bleeding, so I’m hopeful that everything is still progressing nicely.

We are telling the in-laws tonight.  They gave us the loan for the treatments, and they know that we are currently doing the treatments, so my husband wants to tell them tonight when they come to visit.  He figured this may be the only time we can surprise them because they are eventually going to ask what’s going on.  His mother has been calling every two days, which is very unusual, and asking how things are going.  My husband is acting oblivious and just saying “fine, how’s it going with you?” haha I’m sure that’s why they are visiting this weekend, she’s tired of his not-answering her underlying question.  Hilarious.

I’m considering starting my belly pictures today.  I can’t keep thinking that this pregnancy isn’t going to work, I need to act like a person who doesn’t have fertility issues and a miscarriage in her past.  I need my mind to be happy and healthy so that my body can be happy and healthy to support this pregnancy.  Easier said than done, maybe, but I’m going to try my hardest!

Oh, and I saw a picture on Pinterest of a girl doing her belly pictures…. she was 18 weeks and smaller than I am now.  Thank you progesterone!  I don’t mind, I think it helps me even more to see a little pooch there already.  I have something to rub.  I feel like I’m my own troll doll.  🙂

12dp3dt — HPT hehe

I took an HPT this morning when I woke up.  Still pregnant!  Of course, it doesn’t measure HOW pregnant, but the fact that it still shows up at all makes me feel better.  Too bad we have to wait four days instead of two for the second Beta. Poop. I think that was my last HPT too….. I’d like to take one every day this weekend, but maybe I will stay strong?? Eehhhh…

I had some weird discoloration on my pantie liner this morning… Like, light, light brown/yellowish?  Could this be some stuff from implantation coming out?  Or maybe some irritation from shoving suppositories up there for two straight weeks, three times a day? I’m not going to read too much into it.  My mother in law said she had period type bleeding every month while she was pregnant and this wasn’t even pink!

Yesterday brought me some mental relief.  I was finally able to nap!  Now I’m all hyped up again.. waiting for the next appointment….

I seem to have a nightly pee schedule too.  2AM and 6AM… like clockwork!  I like all of my continued signs.  I hope they stay with me! I LOVE the symptoms!  Bring them on! Keep em coming!  Let me keep this baby happy and healthy so that it can be carried and brought into the world! 🙂 Please please please!

Big Day Tomorrow….

Tomorrow is a huge day for us.  Beta Day.  To say that I have been freaking out over the past few days would be putting it mildly.  I’ve been having trouble sleeping because my brain just won’t shut off.  I’m constantly wondering if that weirdness I just felt in my abdomen, breast, head, or wherever, is a sign of pregnancy or of an upcoming period.  Well, tomorrow we will know for sure and I’m terrified.

All I can do is hope and pray and wish for the best tomorrow.  My husband took the day off work so that he could TRY and keep me calm while we wait for the results.

Big day tomorrow…. huge day!

Purple Pee

My friend and I decided last year during my IUI’s that pregnancy needs a better set of symptoms.  Something concrete and in your face.  Unmistakable.  That’s when we decided that purple pee would be perfect!  No mixing that up with period symptoms.  Look in the toilet… see purple… rejoice!

There has to be a way to make that happen.  Let’s get on it!

8dp3dt — Today I will distract myself by going to see a movie with the husband!

The TWW Is A Million Weeks Long

Is MUCH longer than two weeks.  There is no doubt in my mind that something in the progesterone slows down time.  The more progesterone, the slower time goes.

So far I still don’t have any symptoms that would jump out and give me a solid indication that there is something happening in my uterus.  I have the same twinges, tiredness, backaches, nipple tenderness with slightly sore breasts, moodiness and weepiness that I’ve had since starting progesterone.  I am currently 7dp3dt.  I feel like something should be happening.  Luckily, I’ve read blogs and I have a friend who had no symptoms and still got positives, so I still have hope, but the worry is magnified by a million.  The only thing that has kind of seemed new is the bad taste in my mouth that is accompanied by excess saliva which is making me feel a little icky (slightly nauseated).  I get this sometimes without being pregnant though.  I’ve also been guzzling water, but I think that has a lot to do with the taste in my mouth.

I keep telling my husband that some projectile vomiting would be welcomed as a clear indicator.  He suggested rancid chicken, but that’s not exactly what I’m going for. 🙂

Seriously though… how has it not been two weeks yet??

Things And Such

Today I am 3dp3dt (I said I wasn’t going to do that, but I think I might.  Easiest way to share the time frame with everyone).  Today I’ve been pretty tired, noticed that my heartbeat seems harder or maybe fast or something?  I can feel it pulsing through my body when I’m laying down to rest, and walking upstairs leaves me a little winded.  The pressure in my abdomen is also increasing, and I know it’s not because of “going” problems this time.  (Thank you prune juice!)

Are these symptoms?  Nah, way too early for that.  I’m sure it’s just the progesterone talking to me.  I seem to remember feeling this exact way after every IUI, which leaves me worried because I miscarried after one and had my period after two others.  I know the progesterone has continued to keep my breasts sore after injections ended, so all of this other stuff seems like it would be part of the whole shebang.  I know everyone says they wish they could just know what’s happening in there, and that it gets redundant after a while, but I really, really, really wish I could know.   I feel almost like I do before my period starts, except more pressure and less cramping (although there is cramping).  I am bloated like a beast though, so that could definitely explain the pressure.  Maybe in the future they could transfer embryos and then just put you to sleep for two weeks?  That seems like it would work best for mother and embryos.  🙂  Ah, I guess I’ll just wait some more… tick tock, clock! 8 more days…

The Icky Feeling Of Uber Hormones

It’s pointless to say that injecting 600 units of hormone inducing medicines into your body will make you feel “off.”  Most of you are with me on this, or soon will be, or have been.  I feel like a pin cushion.  Good thing it’s only one injection a night.  Luckily, I’ve only had one visible bruise, the rest of them can only be felt and not seen.  I am feeling tired, very tired… exhausted.  I remember this from the IUI rounds, but I feel like it’s doubled with this amount of meds.  My abdomen feels like it’s pressurized (which I guess is good? Go ovaries, go?) and my back is achy.  Headaches are standard, and feeling “out of it” is an understatement.  My husband likes to giggle at my “out of itness,”  I don’t blame him, I feel like I’m barely functioning the past couple days.

I think my exhaustion and space cadet status are all exaggerated by my fear that we may have to give up on this cycle, therefore giving up on biological children.  It’s scary.  I had prepared myself for maybe the fresh cycle not taking an having to try a frozen, and maybe even the frozen not working, but not even being able to implant anything is just not something I saw coming.  I keep wanting to blame ourselves for taking the nine months off between IUI and IVF, but, come on, who could have known that my overflowing PCOS ovaries were going to empty out?  No one on earth could have seen that coming.  My doctor is still completely confused by it, and he’s a fertility specialist that does this for a living.  If that’s not saying something, I don’t know what is.

I don’t believe in that “everything happens for a reason” thing.  I used to, but then I realized that if I believed in that, I’d have to believe that there is a reason for kids being molested and murdered, and that is not a possibility.  Plus, there is no reason that this universe wouldn’t want a little baby made of half me, half my husband, because we are adorable!  🙂

8:15am tomorrow morning…. bring it.

Pumping Up The Meds

Had my first monitoring visit this morning at 9:00.  I’ve got three measuring around a 6 on righty and 3-4 measuring around 6 on lefty.  Righty also has a tiny one.  So I have about eight total, which is about half of what they want me to have.  Grow follicles, GROW!!  They are upping my dosage to 300IU of Follistim with 3 vials of Menopur (Follistim went up, Menopur is staying the same) and I’ll go back in on Saturday.  Since my period finally stopped yesterday, my estrogen should start going up to help with my lining (currently at 4.4) and follicle growth.  I’m hoping for really good results on Saturday with the combo of a higher dose and estrogen doing it’s job.  I will be able to tell when my estrogen goes up because I will begin to get weepy.  Doctor Who made me cry last night, so that might be good sign. 😉

Other than a tiny bit of weepiness creeping up on me, I’m getting an achy back, achy ovaries, bloating (of course) and as soon as I take my injection I get totally exhausted.  I was falling asleep within ten minutes of doing the injection.  Instant sleep! Sweet!

The cravings for food are still there too.  Right now i’m drinking a decaf frappachino and eating cheez-it’s.  Not even sure how those two things work together, but they are so so yummy!

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now.  Just waiting on my phone call for my estrogen level, which I know is going to be lowish, and my updated dosage information.  Hopefully it’s a straight forward phone call with no problems….

**Update**  Just got the call — Estrogen is only at 119.  They are confident that the higher dose and a few days will help get things moving at a better pace.  They think I may have to be on the meds longer than they thought.  Guess I’ll have to break the credit card back out….