Sometimes I feel lost. Truly lost in life. I don’t know who I am, or where I am, or what I’m doing. I don’t know which way to walk, or think, or if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I’m still getting used to being a mom, and even though I’ve been a wife for almost eight years, I find that becoming a mother makes being a wife a lot harder. You now have to balance being a whole new person, working in glimpses of your old self so others can recognize you.
But how? How do you not yearn to be that person you once were, that person you feel your husband still is? Does he even understand what it’s like to be a new person with new priorities and a new life-long job? Why is it that being a dad isn’t even close to as hard as being a mother? I guess it’s a good thing and a bad thing, because this deep down love and overwhelming desire to be the best at something you have no training for, is what keeps me going in this new life. If it weren’t for that sweet face that smiles at me, and that tiny hand that needs mine, I’m not sure I’d ever feel like I was part of this earth anymore. Was I even a part of it before her? Sometimes I wonder if I was just floating through life, thinking I was this person I’d always been, when really I was just waiting to be a mommy. Waiting to become something that is impossible to understand or perfect. Something that makes you realize that being a wife is nothing compared to being a mother. The love is just as real, but so different in every way.
Will I ever feel like I understand myself? Will I ever be completely happy with who I have become? Will I continue to change and find my stride? I hope so, because I still feel lost, and lonely, and confused in this new role. Maybe that’s what motherhood is… a sense of being lost in another person. Giving most of yourself up so that you can make this tiny person as happy, as healthy, and as loved as you can. It is exhausting, this love, but it is everything. It lights my lonely path, as I wander to find myself… Oh where could I be?