Back to Blogging Basics

I feel like the last post was not me at my brightest.  I’d apologize, but I feel like that would be apologizing for not always feeling happy, and that wouldn’t be fair to me.  Sometimes I’m not happy, and 98% of the time it’s because my hormones are ravaging me from the inside.  I will explain why they’ve been out of control lately, and maybe that will shed some light on my low mood in my last post.

In April, I had a chemical pregnancy.  I know, it surprised me too.  How the hell did that even happen?  Not only would that mean that I would have had to ovulate *gasp*, but my husbands sperm would have also had to make it to an egg AND penetrate it AND fertilize it.  *gasp gasp gasp*

The truly sad, yet also good, part about it is that I didn’t know it had happened until well after it happened.  I know, ridiculous right?  You see though, my cycles are somewhere around 35-42 days.  I had tested at four weeks because even though I was sure I’d never get pregnant naturally, I have always enjoyed peeing on sticks and hoping to be surprised one day.  Test at four weeks was negative, same for the test at five weeks (or so I thought… more on this later).  So when I woke up on cd 44 and tested again (hey, i had one test left!), I didn’t even check it because that same pee showed that my period had started.  What a waste of a test.  I shoved it back into the box and put it away in the pregnancy test drawer.  My husband knows I test, but for some reason I don’t like him to see the tests in the garbage.  I know, it’s weird.

After my period, which was lighter and shorter than normal, I felt very sad and I had no energy.  Usually after my period I’m ready to go everywhere, clean everything, and get it on with my husband to my hearts desire (my PCOS gives me an insatiable sex drive — only perk, honestly).  I didn’t feel like this at all though, so I talked with my friend who’s had a few miscarriages.  I was just telling her about how I felt pretty sucky, and she asked if I was positive I hadn’t just miscarried.  I was pretty sure, since the chances are like… a bazillion to one, but I was curious, so I pulled the box of tests out (still not thrown away — try not to judge me for holding on to old pee sticks), and I pulled out all three.  One was definitely negative (four weeks), but to my surprise, the other two had faint pink lines.  One was very faint, and one was actually visible.  I know what you’re going to say, evaporation lines!!  I agree, that is a thing, but you must also know that I’ve never once had an evaporation line on any test (I’ve looked days and weeks later at some of them), and these lines were pink, I hear evap lines typically aren’t.

So, there it was, right in front of my face.  Holy crap.  I had been pregnant—ish?  Was I glad I hadn’t noticed the positive the same time I started bleeding?  I mean, wasn’t it already too late?  I tested again to make sure I wasn’t still showing as being pregnant, and I wasn’t.  The doctor said if I wasn’t then it was too late.  Wow… I still can’t believe I was pregnant—ish.

So, I started birth control.  My husband and I had decided a while ago that if we did try again, we’d want to try with our two frozen embryos first.  So, I wanted to insure I didn’t have another miscarriage, and I started birth control.  It made me sick, so sick.  I had the worst headache, it took over my entire body, head to feet.  I couldn’t focus, or think, or take care of myself or my daughter, so after three days (yes, only three days) I stopped.  My period started two days later.

Then we went to the reproductive endocrinologist and set up a date to try our FET.  The hormones from the pregnancy/miscarriage made me want to be pregnant right then and there.  I would have gladly thrown myself into the stirrups and had them do the transfer right that minute if that were how it works, but sadly it doesn’t.  Sadly, you have to be on birth control for at least two-three weeks before you can start the process.  not have the transfer, but start the process.  So I tried a different birth control…  eight days later I was in bed, sobbing and sleeping… and that was it.  That was all I could do.  My in-laws had to take my daughter for two days because I couldn’t do anything but cry.  I was sure my husband hated me, that my in-laws thought I was a terrible mother, and that the world would be a much happier place if I just wasn’t in it.  I wasn’t suicidal, thankfully, I just thought that if I disappeared, people would be better off.

It has been three weeks since I stopped BC.  I just started feeling better about three days ago.  I feel like myself.  No more nasty thoughts haunting me, no more pain, no more sad. Phew…. I am relieved.  I do not know how people function when they are depressed.  I couldn’t.  I hope everyone who suffers from depression can find their way out.  It is a dark place.  So very dark.

So that’s where we are.  I can’t do the FET, because I can’t be on birth control.  Even if there is one that won’t turn me in a sob monster, or cause me horrible pain, I couldn’t work up the nerve to try right now if someone paid me to do it.  I just can’t.  I can’t go back to that dark place right now.  I am still physically and mentally exhausted from it.  So, we are just going to toss our baby hopes into the wind and see if maybe we can get lucky and have something stick this time.  I am eating as well as I can, exercising, and also getting a lot of down time and help with my daughter.  Trying to put myself into a good place so that maybe, just maybe, I can be one of those “after infertility treatments” success stories.  If not, we will try for an FET again down the road sometime.

Fingers crossed….

After Birth: Birth Control and PCOS

I’m back for a bit to update you on the recent information I’ve gathered regarding my lovely PCOS and my future birth control plans.

I have my six week checkup on Thursday (has everything healed?  Are my goodies permanently deformed??), but before I go in I decided to gather some information from my RE.  (I absolutely adore this doctor and wish I could pay him to be my doctor for everything).  I asked his opinion on what I should do for future birth control, both for my PCOS and for the future (if we choose to do an FET).  I want my body to be both healthy for now, and healthy for a possible second child.  Since I am on the cusp of menopause (already peri-menopausal) I wanted to also verify that menopause would not deter a future FET.  Turns out it won’t!  It won’t even hurt the chances of success!  Science is on the ball, guys.

So, the birth control options are an IUD, progestrin only pills (refered to as a “mini pill” by the RE), a combined pill with progesterone and estrogen (he is not 100% sure they will still do this for a breastfeeding mother, but they used to ten years ago when he did his residency), and good ol’ condoms.

Condoms are out.  Those are so not fun to deal with.

The mini pill is most likely the way my OB/GYN will have me go.  I already know a girl who was put on this from the same practice.  She said they recommended this as the only option for a breastfeeding mother.  I may not have an option.

The combined pill is what I want the most.  I am worried about remembering to take a pill at the moment, since I am quite tired most days, but it is best for me because of the estrogen.  The estrogen will help keep my not-so-fun PCOS symptoms under control.  I’m just not sure they will let me take a pill containing estrogen while breastfeeding.  We shall see!

IUD is an option, of course, but it worries me that I do not know one person who has successfully had an IUD placed and kept it longer than a couple months.  Constant pain seems to be the biggest complaint, and who wants to live with that?  Only upside?  My RE believes that it will prevent any future periods.  This is good for convenience sake, but I was quite worried about the risk factor for endometrial cancer.  For those of you with PCOS, we have a very high risk of endometrial cancer due to our lining not shedding enough.  The lining stays in and basically rots.  Awesome.  But rest assured, if you go with the IUD, the hormone that is released by the IUD keeps the endometrium from forming, which prevents the risk of the cancer.  Hoorah!

So, these are my options.  I will update and let you all know which I’m going with.  IUD, combined pill, or mini pill??

The Icky Feeling Of Uber Hormones

It’s pointless to say that injecting 600 units of hormone inducing medicines into your body will make you feel “off.”  Most of you are with me on this, or soon will be, or have been.  I feel like a pin cushion.  Good thing it’s only one injection a night.  Luckily, I’ve only had one visible bruise, the rest of them can only be felt and not seen.  I am feeling tired, very tired… exhausted.  I remember this from the IUI rounds, but I feel like it’s doubled with this amount of meds.  My abdomen feels like it’s pressurized (which I guess is good? Go ovaries, go?) and my back is achy.  Headaches are standard, and feeling “out of it” is an understatement.  My husband likes to giggle at my “out of itness,”  I don’t blame him, I feel like I’m barely functioning the past couple days.

I think my exhaustion and space cadet status are all exaggerated by my fear that we may have to give up on this cycle, therefore giving up on biological children.  It’s scary.  I had prepared myself for maybe the fresh cycle not taking an having to try a frozen, and maybe even the frozen not working, but not even being able to implant anything is just not something I saw coming.  I keep wanting to blame ourselves for taking the nine months off between IUI and IVF, but, come on, who could have known that my overflowing PCOS ovaries were going to empty out?  No one on earth could have seen that coming.  My doctor is still completely confused by it, and he’s a fertility specialist that does this for a living.  If that’s not saying something, I don’t know what is.

I don’t believe in that “everything happens for a reason” thing.  I used to, but then I realized that if I believed in that, I’d have to believe that there is a reason for kids being molested and murdered, and that is not a possibility.  Plus, there is no reason that this universe wouldn’t want a little baby made of half me, half my husband, because we are adorable!  🙂

8:15am tomorrow morning…. bring it.