Anxiety Mommy

It’s hard having anxiety.  Crippling, overwhelming, hard to breath anxiety.  I’m lucky to only have anxiety that bad a few days a month, but that’s not all anxiety is.  Anxiety is always with me.  It is in every decision I make, every event I am planning, every future I foresee, and it is not nice.  Anxiety does not give me visions of seeing my daughter in high school, it gives me visions of something terrible happening to her.  I see every way in which she or my husband could be taken from me.  I even see ways that I could be taken from my family, never able to see my daughter grow up.

Every day I make sure she doesn’t pull on dressers, because I read a story about a three year old who pulled a dresser on herself while her parents were still sleeping and died while they slept.

I didn’t buy her a cubbie shelf (per the suggestion of her grandmother) because I had just read a story about a 13 month old girl dying from pulling one over and being knocked unconscious and suffocating.

I make sure the blind cords are up too high for her to reach because I read something about a five year old boy hanging himself accidentally in blind cords.

Everything I hear or read stays with me.  Forever.  Anxiety doesn’t let me forget.  It dwells inside me.  It lives there and breeds and grows and envelopes my brain.  The older my daughter gets, the worse it gets because the more she’s doing, the more danger shes’s in from the world.  I know these events are rare, but they are so incredibly tragic that I cannot ever forget.

…and it doesn’t even have to be something in her age group.  I just sobbed in the bathtub as I read comments on a post about delivering a stillborn baby (I couldn’t bring myself to read the post).  There were mothers talking about the heartache of losing their children to SIDS at two, five, six months old.  I flashed back to that age where I was so terrified of the same thing that I would wake 10-20 times a night to check my daughter to make sure she was still breathing.  She slept by my bed until 10 months.  After that I woke 10-20 times a night to watch the monitor and make sure she was breathing.  I still check her monitor 2-3 times a night (she’s 19 months old).

I worry about everything constantly.  It will most likely wear off on my daughter, as my mothers anxiety wore off on me.  I like that is makes me cautious, that I understand that bad things happen, but I’d really like to not fear walking along the sidewalk with my daughter because I’m scared a car is going to drive over the curb and hit us.  I’d like to leave the house without her without worrying that I’m going to die in a car wreck and never see her face again.

This anxiety is with me forever.  Medication will probably help (and i’m discussing this with a doctor soon), but it will never go away.  And that is exactly why I cannot fathom having another child.  How could I make it through another pregnancy, another year of SIDS watch, another full life of another human that I made, without completely losing it and locking everyone in the house and never leaving.  I can’t do it.  I can’t do it and take care of myself and take care of my daughter.  I know that, my husband knows that, and my daughter will know it one day.  I hope she can forgive me for my anxiety, and know that the decisions I’ve made to keep us a three person family were the best for not only me, but also her and her daddy.

Five Weeks

I’ve made it to five weeks!  As far as I know, everything is still progressing well.  Breasts and nipples are sore, nauseous sometimes (depending on what I eat and if I don’t eat soon enough after waking up and between meals), some aching in my back, and tired.  I’m still getting the cramps when I pee (sometimes, not every time) and right before I realize I have gas.  It’s like a little preemptive warning for me “here comes a cramp, be prepared to poot!”  Too much information? Ah, come on, you guys know me by now!

The fact that it’s been five days since I’ve had any sort of testing to verify that things are still progressing is kind of stressful, but this is the way it goes.  Two week waits are the bane of pregnancy.  I think us infertiles should get special, mental treatment.  Right? RIGHT?!

I’m glad I haven’t had anymore of those pubic pains.  Those hurt like a bia, but the three ladies I’ve talked to about it all said they had those pains in early pregnancy.  I also have all of my symptoms and I haven’t had any normal cramping or bleeding, so I’m hopeful that everything is still progressing nicely.

We are telling the in-laws tonight.  They gave us the loan for the treatments, and they know that we are currently doing the treatments, so my husband wants to tell them tonight when they come to visit.  He figured this may be the only time we can surprise them because they are eventually going to ask what’s going on.  His mother has been calling every two days, which is very unusual, and asking how things are going.  My husband is acting oblivious and just saying “fine, how’s it going with you?” haha I’m sure that’s why they are visiting this weekend, she’s tired of his not-answering her underlying question.  Hilarious.

I’m considering starting my belly pictures today.  I can’t keep thinking that this pregnancy isn’t going to work, I need to act like a person who doesn’t have fertility issues and a miscarriage in her past.  I need my mind to be happy and healthy so that my body can be happy and healthy to support this pregnancy.  Easier said than done, maybe, but I’m going to try my hardest!

Oh, and I saw a picture on Pinterest of a girl doing her belly pictures…. she was 18 weeks and smaller than I am now.  Thank you progesterone!  I don’t mind, I think it helps me even more to see a little pooch there already.  I have something to rub.  I feel like I’m my own troll doll.  🙂

Ouchy

Okay, ladies, not sure if you’ve all experienced this, or none of you, but I’ll share my experience.  Today I thought my pubic area was going to explode.  That’s how bad the pain was down there.  It started across my entire abdomen.  It wasn’t cramps, but it was cramp like.  I’ve been having these pains when I pee and when I have gas, and apparently they are completely normal.  They just decided to sneak attack on me today all at once.  I knew it wasn’t cramps, again, because when it was in my abdomen, it radiated down into my pubic area.  It was one of the weirdest pains I’ve ever had.  I’ve had two friends tell me they are round ligament pains.

I finally laid down and got some sleep.  Slept for about an hour and when I got up to let the dogs out, the pain had moved to groin/pubic area only.  It was unbearable to even stand up.  Luckily, my trusty phone found a website (http://www.wheniampregnant.com/discomforts/pain-in-pelvic-area-in-early-pregnancy.html) that told me that this was a normal pain.  For a little while, I was worried, no matter what my friends kept telling me “it’s normal, lay down and try to relax.”  Pain when pregnant seems bad to me, but I guess some pain is necessary, what with the stretching and the whatnot.

This brings me to another important thing that happened to me today.  I decided that pregnancy scans should be done every three days at least.  My brain is going to be on hyperdrive until my scan on the 30th, especially after today.  I know that the pain wasn’t cramping, it only lasted a total of 45 minutes all together and it wasn’t in an area that would scream miscarriage…. so i’m trying to get my head back into a relaxed mode.  I think I might get some HPT’s to pee on for the next couple weeks….

12dp3dt — HPT hehe

I took an HPT this morning when I woke up.  Still pregnant!  Of course, it doesn’t measure HOW pregnant, but the fact that it still shows up at all makes me feel better.  Too bad we have to wait four days instead of two for the second Beta. Poop. I think that was my last HPT too….. I’d like to take one every day this weekend, but maybe I will stay strong?? Eehhhh…

I had some weird discoloration on my pantie liner this morning… Like, light, light brown/yellowish?  Could this be some stuff from implantation coming out?  Or maybe some irritation from shoving suppositories up there for two straight weeks, three times a day? I’m not going to read too much into it.  My mother in law said she had period type bleeding every month while she was pregnant and this wasn’t even pink!

Yesterday brought me some mental relief.  I was finally able to nap!  Now I’m all hyped up again.. waiting for the next appointment….

I seem to have a nightly pee schedule too.  2AM and 6AM… like clockwork!  I like all of my continued signs.  I hope they stay with me! I LOVE the symptoms!  Bring them on! Keep em coming!  Let me keep this baby happy and healthy so that it can be carried and brought into the world! 🙂 Please please please!

Purple Pee

My friend and I decided last year during my IUI’s that pregnancy needs a better set of symptoms.  Something concrete and in your face.  Unmistakable.  That’s when we decided that purple pee would be perfect!  No mixing that up with period symptoms.  Look in the toilet… see purple… rejoice!

There has to be a way to make that happen.  Let’s get on it!

8dp3dt — Today I will distract myself by going to see a movie with the husband!

The Trifecta

 

Well, here they are, my final IVF injections (hopefully forever).  I’ve never, in all my blog reading, doctor visiting, internet Googling, heard of someone taking more stimulator on the same night as the trigger shot.  Man, my ovaries must really be a pain in the arse.  I hope it has the affect the doctor is looking for.  I guess we’ll know on Thursday. Eep!  What do I do all day tomorrow to keep myself entertained?  I suppose I could sleep… yep. That sounds perfect.

36 hours until retrieval…

Egg Retrieval Set! Thursday 9/27/12!

I just got the go ahead to take my two injections of Ovidrel tonight!  Woo! That means it’s egg collecting time.  (Why am I suddenly picturing my doctor dressed up as the Easter Bunny with a white, wicker basket?  I’ll blame the hormones.)  I am very excited to be getting this news, especially since a week ago I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make mature follicles at all. Whew… one less thing to worry about…

Now the worry begins about how many they will retrieve.  We only have 7 mature and ready to be collected, but my doctor said that there might be a few smaller ones that may be okay within the next two days.  Not likely, but maybe.  He said he is going to try as hard as he can to get all 7, and I am OVERJOYED that he will be the one doing the retrieval Thursday! Woo!

Tonight I will take my double dose of Ovidrel and then either have sex (hmmm…) or have the hubby “clean the pipes” (as the new doctor so awesomely put it).  Not sure my ovaries are up for sex, but we can give it a whirl.  Then tomorrow night I start the Z-pak (antibiotics) and no eating after midnight tomorrow night (that won’t be hard, I can’t even stay awake past 9:30).  Then Thursday morning at 8:00am… retrieval. (with a dose of hydrocodone and anesthesia) Ahh! I wonder if time is going to stop now or after the retrieval.  I’d guess after.

Any tips for the upcoming madness in my life?

**Update** got a call from the doctors office with my estrogen level.. it’s higher than 1,500 (can’t remember the exact number) so that’s good.. it’s going up! And my lining was at 7.8 today (forgot to mention that earlier).  They want me to take my two trigger shots AND 225IU more of the follistim.  I guess they really do want a few others to mature… I hope so too!  Keep on keeping on, ovaries!  Sorry belly, three shots tonight.. ouch.

One More Scan…??

Looks like I should only have one more scan, which will be tomorrow (Tuesday).  I am glad to hear this because every time I go in for a scan it’s $300.  I only had to go in today to make sure I didn’t need to order any more drugs.  From the looks of things, the doctor says I should be good to go with what I have.  He says if I need another round of meds on Tuesday night, then I can just use follistim at a higher dose, since I will be out of Menopur. Cool!  I already spent $4,200 on meds, so I’m glad to not have to spend anymore.  Oh, and I spent $33 (love this price!) on the other drugs… Hydrocodone (for the egg retrieval), Aspirin, Azithromycin (antibiotic), Ondansetron (?? No clue… Guess I’ll have to look back at my papers) and Methylprednisolone (Steroid).  I remember that the antibiotic is to help keep infections away after the retrieval and the steroid is to lower my immune system a little so the implant is more liking to take.  Yikes, what a stash!

So here are the results… Looks like we will have about 6-7 mature follicles by the time the retrieval is done (looking like it will be Thursday).  I really did expect more, but that’s probably because I’m still in my PCOS brain, instead of my DOR brain.  It’s hard to switch over when I’ve been so used to producing follicles like it’s nothing.  Well, the doctor is still happy with the size and he seems to be happy with the amount, but I know he wanted me to have 12.  Hopefully he will at least get 5-6 out during the retrieval.  I’m hoping for at least three to be implantable, but I will be overjoyed if we have at least one.  I cannot believe how stressful this whole process is.  There are just no guarantees, so the longer you go through, the MORE anxious you get.  I thought once I saw maturing follicles, I’d be a little more relaxed.  Wrong!

Next scan is tomorrow morning at 7:30am.  My estrogen level is at 1,253, which is amazing.  So glad that’s going up!  My lining is at 6.6, so it still has a little ways to go, but my estrogen is quite high, so I think it will get there.

Tonight: (Last injections?) 300IU Follistim, 300IU Menopur and one Ganirelix.  (I started the Ganirelix last night and it still burns and makes a nice, red, irritated patch on my skin).

Also, my husband came with me again today.  When I dropped my pants he giggled, got a big smile on his face and starting clapping.  What would I do without him? 🙂

Soon…

I woke up this morning from a pretty crappy night of sleep.  We visited my family Sunday and Monday and had to sleep in their house.  Their house is full of cigarette smoke and the entire time we are there we feel as if we are being suffocated.  The sad part is that they have no idea how bad it is.  My mother will say “but we haven’t smoked inside in three hours!”  Oh, okay, you’re right… the smoke from the last 29 years probably isn’t just sitting in here, clinging to the walls, the carpet and your skin.  Ugh.  Lost my train of thought….

So, I woke up this morning from a crappy night of sleep and suddenly I remembered that it was Tuesday. TUESDAY people!  I was sure to be waking up on Monday, but that Labor Day break totally got me.  Sneaky holiday.  Well, okay, so it’s Tuesday… which means I only have ONE WEEK until our nursing class! Woo!  I’m hoping that means I can start our medicine for the IVF next Tuesday after the class, but I’m not 100% sure how long I have to be off of the birth control before they will let me start.  I know he mentioned that I might have a slight period between the birth control and medication, but I think he just meant that my body going straight from birth control to medication might confuse it and I will have some bleeding.  Eh?  Maybe I guess.

I’m getting really nervous.  All of the “what if this doesn’t work” thoughts are popping up all over the place.  I’ve been pretty positive up until now, but now the realization is hitting me that I may not ever get pregnant, no matter what we do.  It’s possible.  There are a ton of people out there just like me who have gone through rounds and rounds of IVF with no positive results.  What makes me think I will be one of the lucky ones?  I guess nothing.  Nothing makes me think that.  Damn this logical brain of mine.  I wonder if it’s better to expect the worst or to be completely oblivious to it?  Ah, well, I’m going to keep my happy face on and hope that all goes well!  I just wish I knew a couple PCOS ladies who have had success.  Maybe that would make me feel better?  The only other ladies I know who have done IVF with positive results have been a girl with Endometriosis and a girl with low egg stash.  Not really the same for comparisons sake.. but it will have to do!

Less than a week now! Woo!