Who’s Life Is This?

A few days ago I was standing in my kitchen.  S was propped up on my hip (as is his usual position, even though he’s 13 months old and weighs 22.5lbs), and E was screaming at me to fetch her some milk (as is her usual go-to thing to scream at me about), and suddenly I had this odd sensation that I was in someone else’s life.  It was almost like someone had transported my 20 year old conscious into my now 33 year old body, and I had no clue what was happening.  I felt like I was a stranger, that I had no idea who these kids were.  I didn’t recognize the kitchen, or the way my body felt.  I was thrown into a panic.

It was quick, maybe half a second, but I felt all of those thoughts and sensations.  Then I was back to normal.  It’s been an incredibly stressful week.  My hormones are flaring because my period is on the way, my son is teething and has become some sort of horrible beast monster, and my daughter is needy beyond reason because she sees how much attention I’m having to give my son.  I am stretched thin.  I’m tired, and angry, and sad.  I guess I’m also hallucinating, or experiencing some kind of out of body experience? Is this what four straight years of stress can do to a person?  Yikes.  I need a break.

3 thoughts on “Who’s Life Is This?

    • I get a couple hours a day here and there, but I need a whole day or two. I need to wake when my body wants to wake, not have to change poop diapers, not have to feed other humans while I also try to eat. Just a simple break. I have good days the majority of the time, I guess I just find that writing it out helps me when I’m struggling. My depression is gone, now I’m just getting stressed out because my son has been screaming and crying non stop for weeks because of teething/separation anxiety/demons. It’ll ease up, but phew am I exhausted!

      • I understand. Have you ever heard the saying “the days are long but the years are short” ? Sometimes I remember that and it puts things into perspective for me on the hard days.

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