Why Do I Want To Quit?

I’ve been wrestling with the thought of quitting Facebook for quite sometime now.  I find myself on it during the day while I’m supposed to be playing with my daughter, and that bothers me.  It isn’t guilt that I’m being a bad mother, it’s that I do actually want to be spending that time with her, but I’m not.  I find myself on it when we are playing with Legos, or eating lunch, or playing princess.  Why?  Why am I on it?  I can’t even tell you.  Sometimes I’m not even sure how I got to my phone.  Didn’t I tell her I was going to get a drink of water?  Why is she finding me hunched over my phone, silently yelling at strangers under my breath for saying stupid things about stupid things?  How can I stop this behavior?

Well, it seems simple, right?  Quit Facebook!  It wouldn’t be hard.  I’d still have text for friends, or the actual phone.  I’d keep pinterest, because honestly I only play on that at night when I can really get in there and search for something to cook, or crochet, or paint.  Instagram is lovely, but takes little to no time to look through.  Facebook is the only thing that really has it’s claws in me, and I hate it for that, and I hate myself that I am somehow that interested in who is eating where, who is voting for who, and who hates x, y, and z.

So, what do I do?  I tell myself that I have Facebook to keep family up to date on our daughter.  I guess that’s true.  I do like sharing pictures and funny things she does on there, but then I wonder if that’s even fair to her?  Should I share these things?  Is this something she would ultimately want?  What will we learn about privacy and ownership of these pictures and videos we post in the next ten years?  Is it worth it to find out?

I’m struggling with thinking that I might be giving something up that keeps me going, that keeps me linked to the world while I’m inside my house with a two year old all day, but honestly, I find that I am happier and less anxious on days when I delete Facebook from my phone and pretend it doesn’t exist (I do this often, if that’s not a sign of my true desire, I don’t know what is).  Sometimes I sneak on through my phones web browser…. that’s when I really worry about myself.  I can’t wait just five hours to get on Facebook and find out who likes The Daily Shows latest clip?  Why?  I honestly can’t answer that.

So, here I am, wondering what to do.  I can deactivate for a week and see how it goes, apparently Facebook keeps everything right where it is, in case you decide to come back.  There is an option to delete, but I’m not there yet.  I’m not ready to give it up.  If I deactivate, I have to explain to family friends why I’m no longer available for tagging and messenger.  They’ll ask what’s wrong, and tell me I’m crazy.  “It’s good to have this outlet, this window into the world while you’re at home all day.  You’ll go crazy without it!  How will we get in touch with you?  How will we see little E?”  Well, they could call or visit, right?  Should I worry about what they think?  Should I worry I might be losing a connection, or should I rejoice in the deeper connection I will ultimately have with my daughter?  Can I become the person I truly want to be?  Can I be the mom who isn’t hunched over her phone all day?  I hate seeing my husband on his all day, I can only assume that’s how my daughter sees me.  That’s why she pulls on me, yells at me, whines for my attention while I’m reading a story about someone else’s child.  She needs me, and I need her.  This is for her.

I think I’ve made my decision.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Why Do I Want To Quit?

  1. Kurani Marsters says:

    I’ve deactivated my account several times, somehow I’m lured back, usually because I miss hearing about how friends overseas are doing. When I reactivated it last time, I made a decision. Whenever anything comes up on my timeline that doesn’t benefit me or is likely to upset me, make me anxious or angry, I click on the post and select I don’t want to see this. At first I was doing it a lot but now I don’t have to very much, and I still see all my friends and family, but none of the bs. If there’s a post with comments and a particular comment gets me fired up, if it’s not one of my friends, I click on the person and block them. There are so many idiots and trolls online, and I think my block list is several hundred now lol. Anyway doing all this makes Facebook how I want it and I don’t get stuck on it for hours anymore. Maybe that would help you, but in any case good luck with whatever you do

    • I have gone through and unfollowed/unfriended, and blocked particular things I don’t want to see. It’s helped a lot with the bs and anxiety of Facebook. It’s still there, especially in the horrible trolling comments of people who just like to make everyone else as miserable as they are, but it’s better. My biggest problem is unconsciously finding myself on it during the day. Like, all the time. I hate that my daughter has to actually whine for me to realize I’m back on my phone again. It’s so ridiculous.

      I started by deleting the app from my phone again. I haven’t been on Facebook at all today, and it’s been wonderful. My husband told me about something stupid one of my family members said on one of his posts, and I was so glad I didn’t see it, because I knew it would have distracted me all day. I would have wanted to respond back in a not-so-nice way, and it only would have caused me to get in trouble.

      Thank you so much for sharing how you’ve improved Facebook for you. I know there are a lot of people struggling to find a balance of real life and internet life. Sometimes the internet is the best thing in the world because it connects you with so many people you love that you can’t see in real life. For that, I am grateful for it.

  2. I deleted Facebook from my phone last summer as I found myself on it during “work hours” when I should be focusing on her. Same thing this summer. Can’t delete it because that’s how I connect with distant family, but removal of the app is a really good balance.

    • I have removed the app from my phone, which is excellent. I’m not ready to completely delete it, i’m not sure I ever will because I use the messenger so much for family and friends. If I could just have the messenger, life would be grand.
      It’s such a time-suck, and I hate being tempted by it when I should be doing so many other things, especially being with little E.

      • And I really can’t stand it on the phone browser, so I won’t use it unless I’m at an actual computer, which is only when F is sleeping

  3. I’m with you. It’s not just facebook for me though. It’s everything. Text messages, email, etc. I don’t even get to spend that much time with my daughter as is. I have considered just putting my phone away at home (turning the ringer up high so if it rings I can hear it), but otherwise only looking at it maybe once an hour. If it’s on me, I’ll be on it. Whether or not facebook is on it. My husband doesn’t have social media and he is so introverted that he doesn’t converse with a lot of people anyway. Most of his e-mails are work related so he would like to ignore those. So, he’s NEVER on his phone. Ever. Maybe just to play games but he doesn’t do that around my daughter.
    Maybe getting off my phone would help me focus too. I find that these days I just feel totally spaced out, forgetting all kinds of things. Very attention deficit.

    • I don’t find too much else interesting on my phone. Although I do have a friend who uses facebook messenger to talk to me during the day, but I need that most of the time. A two year old isn’t much fun to have deep discussions about life with.

      My husband is so addicted to his phone, it is maddening. I have fantasies about throwing it against the wall and watching it shatter.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s