I am all about facing the reality of a situation. I can see every side of a situation. I know what is possible and can mentally wrap my head around anything. It doesn’t mean I won’t be upset by something bad happening, but it does mean that I will already have an idea as to how I will feel if the situation does turn negative.
I’ve been mentally preparing myself since our miscarriage in November. I told myself that this whole baby thing might not be a possibility for us. After all, I’ve never been able to imagine myself as pregnant. I always thought that was meaningful somehow. We kept on keeping on though. My ovarian reserve was good, I was responding well to the medicines and my husbands numbers were going up every IUI. His numbers were probably due to the fact that I was too uncomfortable from the swollen ovaries to want to have sex, but whatever was doing it, everything was going well.
After our third IUI failed, I was pretty miserable. I kept thinking back to the four days I was pregnant before I got the second Beta back and the news that I would soon start my period. I could not find my happy place. I started spending a lot of time to myself. I read a lot to keep myself busy and distracted. It wasn’t until I read the book, The Varieties of the Scientific Experience: A Personal View of the Search for God by Carl Sagan, that I realized what was truly wrong. I was putting too much thought into why God wouldn’t want us to have children. I mean, I have an aunt who is out of her mind on pills every single day and she had been able to have three children. So why not us? What had we done wrong? Why were we unable to have a child? It didn’t make any sense. We are good, caring, lovable people. We have the income to support a child, and the love to help one grow. It wasn’t until I read this book that I realized things are not determined by a big guy sitting on a throne picking out people at random who were and were not able to have kids. No one saying who was good enough, or devoted enough to deserve children. The ability to have children is medical. Some people can’t see, some can’t walk, some can’t talk, some can’t make insulin, some can’t think without hearing voices…. and some can’t make babies. Period. It’s that simple. It’s not a punishment. People don’t get to have children because they are better than others, or more devote, they just get to have children because medically, they can. This really helped me out a lot back in January, and I think it’s going to help me out now.
I just got off the phone with my doctor. I sent him an email last night to ask about how much more medicine I need to order, and the email blossomed into “how do you think everything is going” and “do you think I have premature ovarian failure?” Well, the results of the scan on Wednesday, along with the estrogen level of 119 was not good. In his words “the results are not off to a good start.” He says it’s still too early to determine whether or not things are definitely good or definitely bad, but he is concerned. He says Saturday will give him a better indication of how things are working and we can go from there. In regard to the POF question, he said that he was impressed with my knowledge on it (thank you, Google) and that it would be hard to determine that’s what it is until my period completely stops. No way to know that yet, since I’ve been on birth control or fertility drugs. He does think that is where it’s going though. I’m definitely peri-menopausal at this moment. He says I could continue to have (some) periods for years to come, or they may stop in the next year, there is just no way to tell.
All of this good news at one time was a little much to handle. Of course I’ve been crying, who wouldn’t? I knew all of this already, but having everything confirmed by the doctor was a little overwhelming. I’m so tired and emotional from the medications already. So this is my thing…… this is medical. No one is against me. I just have problems conceiving (and maybe carrying a pregnancy). I do have a loving family, wonderful friends and the most amazing husband in the world. I am a very lucky girl and if I can’t have children then I am still going to have a beautiful life.
I will keep telling myself this as we head into Saturday… wish us luck!