It’s True… But How?

I’m so confused right now.  I went in for my ultrasound thinking “stupid blood test making me spend $250 just to find out that everything is fine!”  Well, how wrong I was.  The blood test was right.  Somehow I’ve misplaced all my eggs.  I went from a 6.9 AMH in August (super high because of my PCOS) to 0.67 now.  How the hell does that happen?  I still have PCOS.  Do I now how have some of other super fun piece of shit disease or disorder or something?

I am so angry and upset.  I don’t understand how all the sudden, the ONE thing my body did right, can’t do it anymore.  How did this happen? HOW?! And why!?

I wish my doctor had been the one to do the ultrasound today.  This lady doctor doesn’t have a very good bedside manner.  The only thing she asked when she saw it was “have you had any pelvic surgery recently?”  I said “No” and then that was it, she didn’t have any other ideas at all.  She said “It’s good you’re doing IVF! We definitely have to have you on a high dose!”  IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!! I had to be on the lowest dose possible (25 units of follistim) for the start of my IUI’s.  So, any explanation doctor….. Oh, nothing?  Just the words “Don’t worry, it’s going to be okay” as you walk out the door?  That made me feel even worse about it.  I knew it had to be serious for her to give me the reassuring BS as she walked out the door.  I mean, thanks, but now I know it’s worse than I thought.

This kind of takes away some of my joy to start the process.  Now I know there is a chance that I won’t make a lot of follicles, which is insanity! I am the girl who made 9 follicles on the lowest dose of meds possible.  How is this happening?  Is there something wrong with me?  I’ve been on BC since our last IUI failed in January, so I know they didn’t all ovulate out over the past nine months.  Where did they go.  I’m so confused. Someone help me!

I’m just going to have to take some advice from Florence and the Machine in their song “Shake it Out.”  I’m grateful for my husband, my family and my friends.  And I’m lucky to be able to do IVF at all.  I must remember these things, because she’s right, it IS hard to dance with a devil on your back.

I’m going to take the rest of the weekend to be ill about this though.  Hopefully I’ll be better by nursing class on Tuesday.

____________________________

“And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out,
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa”

 

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8 thoughts on “It’s True… But How?

  1. I’m sorry! I read your post yesterday and I was hoping that the AMH was wrong. Just remember its just one piece of the puzzle-and it doesn’t mean you won’t make eggs-it might just help your doctor know what dosage to start at. Good luck!

  2. disorientata says:

    Sorry about this… Can you ask another doctor to explain? It shoudn’t change the treatment though, only the dosage. Good luck!

  3. Oh hunny i am sorry to hear that. I’m in the same boat as you my AMH is a <0.16, just know that these doctors face these problems all the time and that you still have a very good chance of this IVF cycle to still work. take the weekend hun and let the emotion out and like the song you mentioned monday morning shake it off and let the hope back in. I will keep you in my prayers and i'm sorry the lady doc was not very nice.

    • No, he has no idea. He said that it was “very unusual” TWICE in the email he sent me. He said that the follicles might be there, but too small to see on the ultrasound and that we really won’t know for sure until the redo AMH test comes back, but I think he’s just trying to be optimistic for me. I will be starting the meds before the test comes back and they will have me on a “high dose.” I’ve been trying to google for answers and the only thing that comes close to giving me and answer is that I may have POF (premature ovarian failure). I mean, come on, it’s been one year and I go from over-abundance to almost nothing? Something is wrong. I just wasn’t expecting this… i’m still trying to figure out how to handle this along with the IVF stress coming up. I guess there is nothing I can do about it, so I just have to go with the flow? Ugh. Super bummed. I just want some answers!

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